streetwalkers | I can finally see that you're right there beside me

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minamoto raikou

I can finally see that you're right there beside me

[So it's been awhile again. Since this shit anyway, I dunno how long. Weeks again? Things have really settled, too. It's slow going, but Raikou is getting better and better at this not being a giant douche thing. He stumbles often, and sometimes he gets frustrated and throws a bratty fit about it, but it's visible how hard he's trying. It's emotionally draining, in that it's endlessly tiring to push himself to change, and it's scary to feel like he's lost at sea as far as what to do and what to believe in. On the other hand, it's also immensely fulfilling -- because he's realised what it means to value something other than himself, and it's rather like waking up and seeing the world lit by sunshine for the first time. He's a little awed by everything, childishly, but it's nice.

And he's trying to do something nice right now, too. He's kind of a dumb noble about menial things, but he thinks that maybe Tsuyukusa would like it if he just tried out small nice gestures, so he's sneaking up behind him right now with a bowl of (rather messily) sliced peaches with sweet syrup drizzled (equally messily) over them, and a terribly amateur arrangement of flowers in a vase. HE MADE AN EFFORT OK.]

Hey, Tsuyukusa!

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[Oh thanks Tsuyu. He kind of wasn't expecting that, so it... spills everywhere. PEACE JUICE AND SYRUP ALL OVER HIS YUKATA. And lord he's never felt this uncoordinated in his life.

Still, he covers it by looking up at Tsuyu with a smile that's as teasing as any of his old ones, only so very much less malicious. There's no threat of violence in it at all.]

Were you accusing me of being too thin?

[He kind of is, though. Not like Bonten, but he's always been slender, and he really has been taking less care of himself since things changed.]

When did I stop accusing you?

[He raises an eyebrow and pokes Raikou in the arm gently, teasing.]

You're getting to be nothing but skin and bones, and now you're sticky too? Tch.

That last part is your fault.

[And he's picking things up now, getting his bare hands messy too. It means he can look away, anyway, to hide the faint sadness in his smile. A few months ago, he'd have made Tsuyukusa pick it up for him. He probably would have lashed out at him, too. Now he just sighs, in a half amused, half resigned sort of manner.]

I eat when I'm hungry, anyway. And I had made this for you.

You don't eat when you're hungry. Or you aren't hungry nearly enough.

[But he's moving to take the bowl and place it in his own lap, getting himself messy too.]

Am I not allowed to share? I had some. It was good. But I didn't need it and you haven't been eating enough.

I've been eating fine. You aren't my mother, Tsuyukusa.

[And there's the same old brat, bristling at being scolded. It isn't a power issue anymore, though, honestly. It's guilt, because he knows very well what he's doing to himself, and he knows it isn't smart. But the fact is that the root of his efforts to try to change may be the desire to value people and have value to people, but the root of that is that he's lost all sense of the value of the person he was, or even the person he is now. He desperately wants to be someone that other people -- Tsuyukusa especially -- can care about, because until and unless they do he doesn't care about himself anymore.

In his head, everything that's gone wrong is his own fault. And really, it is. But he's hardly an adult, and realising how much and how many people he managed to fuck up in just eighteen years (nineteen by now, probably) has, in short, shattered his self-esteem. He isn't eating -- because he just thinks about who can't anymore. He isn't watching his health, and hes throwing himself headlong into fights so that he gets injured ten times more than he used to, because doing otherwise is more effort than he's worth. And he feels guilty even for that, because he knows Watanabe would be crushed to see him existing this way, but he can't bring himself to stop.

He really has learned to cherish his world and the people in it. He's just forgotten how to cherish himself, and that pain is pretty evident in his face and voice right now.]

[Tsuyukusa can't see that, at least not most of it. There are bits that he can relate to, can see simply by nature of remembering himself the same way after losing Byakuroku. But Tsuyukusa hadn't really had the option of starving himself, and at a certain point compromising his entire existence out of stubbornness was enough in the way of rebellious mourning.

But Raikou is much easier to kill than Tsuyukusa would ever be, out of neglect as much as intent. There's only so much he can do, but healing his battle wounds alone doesn't cut it, and Tsuyu is more than aware of that.]

I don't have to be your mother to call you on that bullshit. And if nobody else is willing to argue with you about it, then damnit, I will.

[He didn't use to flinch. Not ever. He does now, though, and his fingers clench in the wet fabric of his yukata. He stays like that for a moment, as if deciding what to do, then speaks up in a soft, heartbreakingly empty tone.]

Don't yell at me. I don't want to argue.

[And then he's getting to his feet, intending to walk out.]

[And he's on his feet fast, reaching out to catch Raikou's wrist before he can get more than a few steps in. His grip isn't tight, but it is firm.]

Raikou.

[He doesn't respond verbally. He knows that if he did, his voice would probably crack. He's upset and nervous, afraid that he's messed up again and ready to run away before he can say something wrong. But he doesn't. He just stands there and stares at the floor.]

[Tsuyukusa stops, cutting off whatever he's about to say and taking a deep breath. His voice is gentler when he speaks again, with a pleading note.]

Raikou.

What?

[Yyyup, that was less firm than he wanted it to be. But he's not looking at Tsuyu. He won't, not unless he's forced to. He'd lose it if he had to maintain eye contact right now.]

This needs to stop.

[Simple as that, in his eyes.]

Please.

What "this"?

[Denial is so much easier than admitting that he's doing anything to stop. And he's tugging his wrist away from Tsuyu, too, or trying to.]

This is the way you don't eat, and hurt yourself in fights, and I don't even know what else you're doing to hurt yourself. It's stupid, it could get you killed, and contrary to popular belief, nobody here wants you dead.

So stop.

[He keeps a dogged grip on Raikou's wrist, not willing to let the human escape only to pretend this conversation hadn't happened.]

I'd think it was fair karma. Atonement, maybe.

[Or he's just justifying wallowing in self-loathing. Either way, he really knows it's stupid to argue, but he really doesn't know how to stop. Instead of just admitting that, though, he's going to talk. Because his feelings are welling up to the point of overflow.]

After all, I've done nothing but hurt everyone else up til recently. I don't think it's fair to live happily knowing that. I don't know who I am anymore, but I know that I feel... disgusted by who I was. I took what I wanted, and look where that got me-- and you, and Ayame, and Watanabe, and everyone else around me. What I want now... is something I'm not worthy of or entitled to. It's foolish for someone like you to worry over someone like me, isn't it? You're entirely too big-hearted.

I don't care about karma, or atonement, or whatever!

[It comes out sharp, and he has to take another calming breath before continuing.]

The only one you're hurting now is yourself. And if you can stop that, then you've won.

[He flinches again at the sharpness of Tsuyukusa's tone, and it's pretty obvious that if the tree let go of his wrist he'd bolt. He does that occasionally, lately. He runs when things get heated, because he doesn't want an argument. It isn't because he can't handle criticism, really. It's more because he's afraid he'll get angry and snap. That's something he still doesn't have control over.

Right now, though, he's not angry. He's just a broken mess, and he's trembling with the effort not to break down (he does that sometimes too).]

...If that's what you want, I'll try.

[He takes a moment, weighing those words, trying to discern whether trying is good enough.

But it has to be. At this point it's all they have left.

And he nods, loosening his grip on Raikou's wrist.]

That's what I want.

[He relaxes a little at that, letting some of the tension out of the air. Now that things are, for now, a little bit settled (even if he isn't sure if trying will work, yet), he can breathe. But he also stops even trying to take his wrist back, even when Tsuyukusa's grip loosens. The fact of the matter is he likes the contact, when it isn't a true restraint. But he has to ask that one big loaded question. The same one he's been asking ever since that night.]

Tsuyukusa... why do you care about me? What am I to you now?

[He never has an answer. Why should he have one now? The question is demanding a level of self-awareness he really doesn't possess.

But he still tries, running the fingers of his free hand through his hair haphazardly, unable to quite look at Raikou as he ruffles his hair into ridiculous shapes.]

I don't-

You dont...?

[He'll let him continue. He's not demanding, but the way he's starting to tense again speaks of how important this is. You want him to stop punishing himself? Give him a reason. He really is hanging on Tsuyu's every word. And yet he still hasn't looked up.]

I don't know why. But-

[And this part's difficult, all the more obviously truthful in its difficulty. Raikou isn't Heihachi, so such admissions are anything but easy.]

But I do care.

...I'm glad.

[It's quiet, but warm. He can't expect a lot of pretty words from Tsuyu, so those few mean a lot, and he knows it.]

I don't know what I'd do without you, Tsuyukusa. You're--

If I could make up for things--

If I could make you happy, I'd... I'd do anything. That's kind of sad, isn't it? It feels like I've fallen so far I've ended up back at the top somewhere. You're not mine. You never were, really. But... I'm yours. I don't care to live for myself anymore. Just... because you want me to. I'd be lost without you.

[That's hard for him to say, too. He's always been wordier than Tsuyu, but admitting to that kind of attachment is still tough. He feels it has to be said, though. Tsuyukusa needs to understand exactly how Raikou feels, because otherwise there's just going to be a mess of miscommunication and he really won't get any better.]

[...He doesn't know what to say to any of that. It's unexpected, jarring, and it feels like it's come from out of nowhere, even as he realizes that it really hasn't. No, he had ample warning, he was simply too caught up in other things to really notice an infatuation like this one, not when he was so sure Raikou had fixated on Sakata.

His mouth is dry, and his throat feels so parched that he can almost feel a scraping sensation when he swallows.]

...Oh.

[Sakata is his childhood friend. But Sakata is also blindly loyal and refuses to acknowledge much of any of the changes in Raikou. He just acts like it's normal and nothing's happened at all, and as much as devotion feels nice, it also makes Raikou's stomach turn. It's shallow, and it's empty, and no amount of physical intimacy has fixed that (not for lack of trying on his part).

Tsuyukusa is a whole nother thing. He knows. He knows and he acknowledges and he doesn't pretend. He's honest, and he cares anyway, and that's what's keeping Raikou afloat.]

I'm not asking for you to change anything. You have someone else who loves you and who you love, and that's... good. For both of you. He's a good man.

Just... don't leave me. I need you here. I want to be near you.

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