streetwalkers | I can finally see that you're right there beside me

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minamoto raikou

I can finally see that you're right there beside me

[So it's been awhile again. Since this shit anyway, I dunno how long. Weeks again? Things have really settled, too. It's slow going, but Raikou is getting better and better at this not being a giant douche thing. He stumbles often, and sometimes he gets frustrated and throws a bratty fit about it, but it's visible how hard he's trying. It's emotionally draining, in that it's endlessly tiring to push himself to change, and it's scary to feel like he's lost at sea as far as what to do and what to believe in. On the other hand, it's also immensely fulfilling -- because he's realised what it means to value something other than himself, and it's rather like waking up and seeing the world lit by sunshine for the first time. He's a little awed by everything, childishly, but it's nice.

And he's trying to do something nice right now, too. He's kind of a dumb noble about menial things, but he thinks that maybe Tsuyukusa would like it if he just tried out small nice gestures, so he's sneaking up behind him right now with a bowl of (rather messily) sliced peaches with sweet syrup drizzled (equally messily) over them, and a terribly amateur arrangement of flowers in a vase. HE MADE AN EFFORT OK.]

Hey, Tsuyukusa!

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[He turns around easily, any hesitation or tension of the past long gone. There's still a chance that Raikou could lose it, snap, or just decide he doesn't want to bother anymore, but for now he's trying, and that effort is more than enough to keep Tsuyukusa happy. Having Heihachi around helps, too, especially since the air between his lover and his former master had cleared up a bit. So there's no wariness in his stance, no trace of fear in his eye.

It's nice.]

Yes?

I brought you something.

[He's just gonna hold those things out now, with a relaxed smile. He's not fearing rejection -- or he's trying not to. But it feels so awkward to do things like this, even if it's a pleasant sort of awkward.]

Oh? Thanks.

[He takes the bowl first, glancing curiously at the contents and seeming content with the fruit, at least enough to reach for the flowers as well.]

Why?

Because I felt like it.

[Enjoy being the one on the receiving end of some tsundere, Tsuyu. He doesn't want to just come out and say that he's trying to earn friendship or affection. It's not a very Minamoto Raikou thing to do, after all.]

Anyway, the peaches were going to go soft.

[....This is really familiar but also really weird and I don't know why.

Another glance at the bowl confirms that the peaches were just fine, but he feels like that would be tactless to point out right now.]

It seems like a waste to give them to the only one here who doesn't need to eat...

I wasn't going to go to that much effort for anyone else.

[He's plopping down on the nearest seat now, snotty as ever. But it's a big thing that not only did he bring them to Tsuyu, he actually put in the time to prepare it himself. Not that he needs Tsuyu to notice that implication, of course.]

[He's glancing between the bowl and Raikou now, curious. The implications are sinking in pretty easily, to be honest, and Raikou's anything but subtle.

So Tsuyu sits beside the human, and eats a slice.]

[And Raikou's just going to pretend to be occupied with pulling a loose thread from the pillow he's sitting on. It's very fascinating, you know. Way more than acknowledging the way his stomach turns in the most confusing of ways when Tsuyukusa looks at him without anger or fear on his face.]

[Another two slices, and he stops to offer one to Raikou, almost absently.]

It's good.

[Sorry, he's just going to stare for a moment before he takes that. He's kind of preoccupied, and almost forgot that Tsuyu was actually sitting there, not just running around his thoughts.

He nibbles at it, but doesn't seem particularly invested in eating anything. He's got very little appetite in the face of all the nervous that comes with every time he makes a concentrated effort to be "good". He's a little afraid that if he actually does anything he'll slip up.]

That's good.

[What was that delay for...

But he's licking his fingers free of the sweet syrup and peach juice, watching Raikou not really consume much of anything as he does so. Then he sighs, and pushes the bowl into Raikou's lap.]

That's right. And you need to eat more, so you may as well eat good things.

[Oh thanks Tsuyu. He kind of wasn't expecting that, so it... spills everywhere. PEACE JUICE AND SYRUP ALL OVER HIS YUKATA. And lord he's never felt this uncoordinated in his life.

Still, he covers it by looking up at Tsuyu with a smile that's as teasing as any of his old ones, only so very much less malicious. There's no threat of violence in it at all.]

Were you accusing me of being too thin?

[He kind of is, though. Not like Bonten, but he's always been slender, and he really has been taking less care of himself since things changed.]

When did I stop accusing you?

[He raises an eyebrow and pokes Raikou in the arm gently, teasing.]

You're getting to be nothing but skin and bones, and now you're sticky too? Tch.

That last part is your fault.

[And he's picking things up now, getting his bare hands messy too. It means he can look away, anyway, to hide the faint sadness in his smile. A few months ago, he'd have made Tsuyukusa pick it up for him. He probably would have lashed out at him, too. Now he just sighs, in a half amused, half resigned sort of manner.]

I eat when I'm hungry, anyway. And I had made this for you.

You don't eat when you're hungry. Or you aren't hungry nearly enough.

[But he's moving to take the bowl and place it in his own lap, getting himself messy too.]

Am I not allowed to share? I had some. It was good. But I didn't need it and you haven't been eating enough.

I've been eating fine. You aren't my mother, Tsuyukusa.

[And there's the same old brat, bristling at being scolded. It isn't a power issue anymore, though, honestly. It's guilt, because he knows very well what he's doing to himself, and he knows it isn't smart. But the fact is that the root of his efforts to try to change may be the desire to value people and have value to people, but the root of that is that he's lost all sense of the value of the person he was, or even the person he is now. He desperately wants to be someone that other people -- Tsuyukusa especially -- can care about, because until and unless they do he doesn't care about himself anymore.

In his head, everything that's gone wrong is his own fault. And really, it is. But he's hardly an adult, and realising how much and how many people he managed to fuck up in just eighteen years (nineteen by now, probably) has, in short, shattered his self-esteem. He isn't eating -- because he just thinks about who can't anymore. He isn't watching his health, and hes throwing himself headlong into fights so that he gets injured ten times more than he used to, because doing otherwise is more effort than he's worth. And he feels guilty even for that, because he knows Watanabe would be crushed to see him existing this way, but he can't bring himself to stop.

He really has learned to cherish his world and the people in it. He's just forgotten how to cherish himself, and that pain is pretty evident in his face and voice right now.]

[Tsuyukusa can't see that, at least not most of it. There are bits that he can relate to, can see simply by nature of remembering himself the same way after losing Byakuroku. But Tsuyukusa hadn't really had the option of starving himself, and at a certain point compromising his entire existence out of stubbornness was enough in the way of rebellious mourning.

But Raikou is much easier to kill than Tsuyukusa would ever be, out of neglect as much as intent. There's only so much he can do, but healing his battle wounds alone doesn't cut it, and Tsuyu is more than aware of that.]

I don't have to be your mother to call you on that bullshit. And if nobody else is willing to argue with you about it, then damnit, I will.

[He didn't use to flinch. Not ever. He does now, though, and his fingers clench in the wet fabric of his yukata. He stays like that for a moment, as if deciding what to do, then speaks up in a soft, heartbreakingly empty tone.]

Don't yell at me. I don't want to argue.

[And then he's getting to his feet, intending to walk out.]

[And he's on his feet fast, reaching out to catch Raikou's wrist before he can get more than a few steps in. His grip isn't tight, but it is firm.]

Raikou.

[He doesn't respond verbally. He knows that if he did, his voice would probably crack. He's upset and nervous, afraid that he's messed up again and ready to run away before he can say something wrong. But he doesn't. He just stands there and stares at the floor.]

[Tsuyukusa stops, cutting off whatever he's about to say and taking a deep breath. His voice is gentler when he speaks again, with a pleading note.]

Raikou.

What?

[Yyyup, that was less firm than he wanted it to be. But he's not looking at Tsuyu. He won't, not unless he's forced to. He'd lose it if he had to maintain eye contact right now.]

This needs to stop.

[Simple as that, in his eyes.]

Please.

What "this"?

[Denial is so much easier than admitting that he's doing anything to stop. And he's tugging his wrist away from Tsuyu, too, or trying to.]

This is the way you don't eat, and hurt yourself in fights, and I don't even know what else you're doing to hurt yourself. It's stupid, it could get you killed, and contrary to popular belief, nobody here wants you dead.

So stop.

[He keeps a dogged grip on Raikou's wrist, not willing to let the human escape only to pretend this conversation hadn't happened.]

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