streetwalkers | I can finally see that you're right there beside me

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minamoto raikou

I can finally see that you're right there beside me

[So it's been awhile again. Since this shit anyway, I dunno how long. Weeks again? Things have really settled, too. It's slow going, but Raikou is getting better and better at this not being a giant douche thing. He stumbles often, and sometimes he gets frustrated and throws a bratty fit about it, but it's visible how hard he's trying. It's emotionally draining, in that it's endlessly tiring to push himself to change, and it's scary to feel like he's lost at sea as far as what to do and what to believe in. On the other hand, it's also immensely fulfilling -- because he's realised what it means to value something other than himself, and it's rather like waking up and seeing the world lit by sunshine for the first time. He's a little awed by everything, childishly, but it's nice.

And he's trying to do something nice right now, too. He's kind of a dumb noble about menial things, but he thinks that maybe Tsuyukusa would like it if he just tried out small nice gestures, so he's sneaking up behind him right now with a bowl of (rather messily) sliced peaches with sweet syrup drizzled (equally messily) over them, and a terribly amateur arrangement of flowers in a vase. HE MADE AN EFFORT OK.]

Hey, Tsuyukusa!

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[He doesn't respond verbally. He knows that if he did, his voice would probably crack. He's upset and nervous, afraid that he's messed up again and ready to run away before he can say something wrong. But he doesn't. He just stands there and stares at the floor.]

[Tsuyukusa stops, cutting off whatever he's about to say and taking a deep breath. His voice is gentler when he speaks again, with a pleading note.]

Raikou.

What?

[Yyyup, that was less firm than he wanted it to be. But he's not looking at Tsuyu. He won't, not unless he's forced to. He'd lose it if he had to maintain eye contact right now.]

This needs to stop.

[Simple as that, in his eyes.]

Please.

What "this"?

[Denial is so much easier than admitting that he's doing anything to stop. And he's tugging his wrist away from Tsuyu, too, or trying to.]

This is the way you don't eat, and hurt yourself in fights, and I don't even know what else you're doing to hurt yourself. It's stupid, it could get you killed, and contrary to popular belief, nobody here wants you dead.

So stop.

[He keeps a dogged grip on Raikou's wrist, not willing to let the human escape only to pretend this conversation hadn't happened.]

I'd think it was fair karma. Atonement, maybe.

[Or he's just justifying wallowing in self-loathing. Either way, he really knows it's stupid to argue, but he really doesn't know how to stop. Instead of just admitting that, though, he's going to talk. Because his feelings are welling up to the point of overflow.]

After all, I've done nothing but hurt everyone else up til recently. I don't think it's fair to live happily knowing that. I don't know who I am anymore, but I know that I feel... disgusted by who I was. I took what I wanted, and look where that got me-- and you, and Ayame, and Watanabe, and everyone else around me. What I want now... is something I'm not worthy of or entitled to. It's foolish for someone like you to worry over someone like me, isn't it? You're entirely too big-hearted.

I don't care about karma, or atonement, or whatever!

[It comes out sharp, and he has to take another calming breath before continuing.]

The only one you're hurting now is yourself. And if you can stop that, then you've won.

[He flinches again at the sharpness of Tsuyukusa's tone, and it's pretty obvious that if the tree let go of his wrist he'd bolt. He does that occasionally, lately. He runs when things get heated, because he doesn't want an argument. It isn't because he can't handle criticism, really. It's more because he's afraid he'll get angry and snap. That's something he still doesn't have control over.

Right now, though, he's not angry. He's just a broken mess, and he's trembling with the effort not to break down (he does that sometimes too).]

...If that's what you want, I'll try.

[He takes a moment, weighing those words, trying to discern whether trying is good enough.

But it has to be. At this point it's all they have left.

And he nods, loosening his grip on Raikou's wrist.]

That's what I want.

[He relaxes a little at that, letting some of the tension out of the air. Now that things are, for now, a little bit settled (even if he isn't sure if trying will work, yet), he can breathe. But he also stops even trying to take his wrist back, even when Tsuyukusa's grip loosens. The fact of the matter is he likes the contact, when it isn't a true restraint. But he has to ask that one big loaded question. The same one he's been asking ever since that night.]

Tsuyukusa... why do you care about me? What am I to you now?

[He never has an answer. Why should he have one now? The question is demanding a level of self-awareness he really doesn't possess.

But he still tries, running the fingers of his free hand through his hair haphazardly, unable to quite look at Raikou as he ruffles his hair into ridiculous shapes.]

I don't-

You dont...?

[He'll let him continue. He's not demanding, but the way he's starting to tense again speaks of how important this is. You want him to stop punishing himself? Give him a reason. He really is hanging on Tsuyu's every word. And yet he still hasn't looked up.]

I don't know why. But-

[And this part's difficult, all the more obviously truthful in its difficulty. Raikou isn't Heihachi, so such admissions are anything but easy.]

But I do care.

...I'm glad.

[It's quiet, but warm. He can't expect a lot of pretty words from Tsuyu, so those few mean a lot, and he knows it.]

I don't know what I'd do without you, Tsuyukusa. You're--

If I could make up for things--

If I could make you happy, I'd... I'd do anything. That's kind of sad, isn't it? It feels like I've fallen so far I've ended up back at the top somewhere. You're not mine. You never were, really. But... I'm yours. I don't care to live for myself anymore. Just... because you want me to. I'd be lost without you.

[That's hard for him to say, too. He's always been wordier than Tsuyu, but admitting to that kind of attachment is still tough. He feels it has to be said, though. Tsuyukusa needs to understand exactly how Raikou feels, because otherwise there's just going to be a mess of miscommunication and he really won't get any better.]

[...He doesn't know what to say to any of that. It's unexpected, jarring, and it feels like it's come from out of nowhere, even as he realizes that it really hasn't. No, he had ample warning, he was simply too caught up in other things to really notice an infatuation like this one, not when he was so sure Raikou had fixated on Sakata.

His mouth is dry, and his throat feels so parched that he can almost feel a scraping sensation when he swallows.]

...Oh.

[Sakata is his childhood friend. But Sakata is also blindly loyal and refuses to acknowledge much of any of the changes in Raikou. He just acts like it's normal and nothing's happened at all, and as much as devotion feels nice, it also makes Raikou's stomach turn. It's shallow, and it's empty, and no amount of physical intimacy has fixed that (not for lack of trying on his part).

Tsuyukusa is a whole nother thing. He knows. He knows and he acknowledges and he doesn't pretend. He's honest, and he cares anyway, and that's what's keeping Raikou afloat.]

I'm not asking for you to change anything. You have someone else who loves you and who you love, and that's... good. For both of you. He's a good man.

Just... don't leave me. I need you here. I want to be near you.

[Tsuyukusa is bad with words. The things he says rarely come out right, and always come out as an insult, it seems. That's why he doesn't trust himself to say anything to Raikou, right now.

He can show meaning, though, in ways other than words. So he reels Raikou into an embrace, firm as possible while still not trapping, just a comfortable force.
He isn't leaving.]

[Oh.

Well that's a positive response, and it gets a positive one in return. It's kind of pathetic but he's really needed that -- to just be held, no questions asked, no pain involved. So he only stays cautiously limp for a moment, before he wraps his arms around Tsuyu and holds on tight, burying his face in his shoulder. They're still all sticky from peaches, but that doesn't matter right now. Tsuyukusa is there. Tsuyukusa is warm, and comforting, and the center of Raikou's budding, brand new world.]

[And he'll hang on tightly for as long as Raikou needs, in all honesty. It's strange and scary, to have someone so obviously dependent on him. More jarring still, to remember exactly what this person in his arms has done to him, possibly could if he ever snapped again--

But he won't. Because Tsuyukusa will do his damnedest to keep him stable. He tugs him a little closer at the thought.]

I- I don't know how this sort of thing works for humans, but. I'm not leaving you. And I'm not leaving Heihachi. And that's going to have to be alright.

So I'm on the same level now?

[He manages a laugh at that. Tsuyu is a tree after all, in the end. But thinking he's loved that much as weird as it is makes him feel worlds better, and he's relaxing in the spirit's arms bit by bit, soaking up the warmth. This? This feels like home. It feels stable and comfortable and safe, and he can feel tension seeping out of his shoulders that's been there almost constantly for months.]

Why wouldn't you be?

[Tsuyukusa sounds honestly perplexed by the concept of not loving them equally. Ownership may not be a purely human trait, but it isn't one kodama usually practice, and certainly not when it comes to mates.

But it's a relief, feeling Raikou relax against him. And he relaxes too, letting out a slow breath.]

Ah, nothing.

[He can think of a million reasons, but he's too comfy right now to be pessimistic, or to try to explain the concept of human monogamy. Instead he just gives a content little sigh and presses his face into Tsuyu's neck.]

It's fine with me, anyway. But we're still covered in peaches, you know.

And the peaches are fine with me.

[He says it absently, only half-listening as he tilts his head down and noses at Raikou's hair, surprised by its softness. Heihachi puts a lot of shit in his to keep it manageable with his chosen hairstyle, and Tsuyukusa's has never been anything but course and wild.]

I don't want to have sticky fingers all day.

[He's just teasing, really. He's finally feeling peaceful, so he's not about to ruin it by whining too much. He really doesn't like being sticky though.]

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