[He leans against Tokiomi a bit, a small sign of affection. Perhaps Tokiomi wasn't nearly as experienced as some of Gilgamesh's other partners, but there are some things you can't outclass a Sumerian prostitute in. Somehow, he can't say he's ever been dissatisfied - the lack of experience is a turn on in and of itself.]
Unfortunately, that's the last happy moment they get to have. After that point, the illness takes a sharp downhill turn, and Tokiomi never really "wakes up". The fever has simply spiked too high, and any time he isn't asleep he's completely delirious, only able to whine about the pain, the heat, the chill, the nausea and any other thing. When he's able to focus enough to think about anything else, it's only to ask for Gil or, when he has him there, to reach for his hand and hold on tight.
Another three days and he's not strong enough to hold onto it anymore. It's about four am, and finally, finally his breathing calms while he's still conscious. For the first time in days, his eyes focus -- and immediately he tries to sit up, almost frantically looking around the room for his companion.]
[Gilgamesh makes a habit of sparkling out when the rest of the household appears to care for Tokiomi. He has no interest in answering to them - not to Kiritsugu, not to Byakuya or Kariya's grouching, not to Illya's demands, and most certainly not to Shirou's "are you okay?"s. Now he cannot conveniently ignore them, though he makes sport of calling Shirou to his aid with a dagger or two from the Gate of Babylon.
But when they're alone and Tokiomi stirs, Gilgamesh is by his side instantly. He holds Tokiomi's hand and tries not to shiver himself - He refuses to lose this friend.
So when Tokiomi sits up, startlingly lucid, it takes mere moments for the King of Heroes to appear, his expression all faux amusement]
[His voice is hoarse, barely even a whisper. He's so tired -- everything hurts, everything's weak, and he's exhausted. It's too much to stay sitting for more than a moment, so he flops back as soon as Gil's in sight.]
Three days. You aren't beyond for forgiveness, however.
[He'll forgive Tokiomi as long as he recovers, really. To ensure this happens, he takes his usual perch on the side of the bed and ruffles Tokiomi's hair fondly]
[He says it with a defeated tone, not even bothering to reach for Gil's hand this time. There's a certainty down to his very bones that he's dying. It hits him with a sudden clarity, and in that moment the stubborn struggle that's been there even at the worst of it is gone. All at once, the spark of his will is visibly snuffed. There's nothing left but letting go.]
Gilgamesh can't forgive being left alone. He can't forgive Tokiomi for giving up. He can't forgive the world for taking someone else precious away. He is a harsh king, but he forgives far too many things about this era.
[He doesn't want to make Gil hate him. He doesn't want to give up his future. He doesn't want to hurt this much, but he doesn't want to stop feeling anything. He's scared. He's not ready to die yet. Not remotely. But he doesn't think he can hang on much longer, and he doesn't know how to make it stop.
He's crying before he can stop himself, bringing his hands up to cover it and shaking uncontrollably. His tone of voice can only be described as desperate, searching for something to keep him afloat when all he can see is drowning.]
What am I supposed to do? I don't want to die. I don't!
[Oh bitch you did not. He prefers to not even think about this shit, more or less confront it, and yet that's what Tokiomi is forcing him to do.
Gilgamesh is undeniably angry -- those words and the surrender in Tokiomi's voice all count as grave betrayals. He's all emotion now, too wrapped up in his own troubles to abide by his promise to not leave Tokiomi's side. Slamming his fist into the headboard, he gets to his feet and starts towards the door]
I know that gods are cruel and men in their vanity are foolish. I have learned nothing of surrender, not even to death, and if you believe I should, then you're unworthy of my presence.
[It doesn't matter if Gil is angry at this point. He'll die either way. Being killed by Gilgamesh would be a faster death than this, and one less painful. Who is he to say no to that?
But it still hurts to be walked away from, and he can't really help if his breath comes faster and more ragged because of it.]
If you would rather leave me to die alone than face the fact that I will, you're just being a coward! I didn't learn to live properly from someone who runs away!
And I did not acknowledge a weakling as my master! Do not accuse me of cowardice when you are simply undeserving, Tokiomi! Without knowing better, I had pledged to stay by your side.
[Ah, but they'll only go in circles with this, won't they? Even Gilgamesh realizes this, and he gives Tokiomi a cruel glare]
So what shall we do with this situation? It would be quick to disavow one another and part as strangers, wouldn't it?
Was Enkidu a weakling, too? Are all who die really just fools?!
[Raising his voice makes him cough, but that doesn't stop him. If he's going to go, he's not going to go moping. He'll snap back, even if it means signing over his life faster. Even when his coughs come with blood.]
Go on! Leave! [a pause, to wipe the blood from his chin]
If I live I'll remember that the great King of Heroes is nothing but a spoiled, frightened brat!
[Seeing that determination again keeps Gilgamesh in the room. It makes him want to fight back for fighting's sake, because when one is wrong and unyielding, they deserve to be beaten down.]
You are not worth measuring against Enkidu -- know this, if you live, you wasted a decade pining for a brat too great for you. What will you do then?
[What he will do isn't really relevant, is it? It certainly isn't when he can hardly get the words out past the coughs and the tears of pain that come with them. He claps his hands over his mouth, just trying to avoid making a mess.]
I will... Mourn the loss.. of the you who wasn't too s-spineless to love someone.
[--they are certainly on track to lose one another. As though death is only a small part of the question now.
Somehow, he had thought he'd wanted that. He thought he would leave with his pride, savor a moment's worth of emotional damage, then walk away without having to witness death. It was certainly easy and appealing.
But actually watching Tokiomi cry is somehow different. Angering and upsetting all at once, Gilgamesh almost wants to curse him again for providing the distress that he had been expecting to see. The King of Heroes doesn't understand what's driving his emotions in this moment; frustrated, he can only snap out a kneejerk reply]
[Not just "stay in the room". He means it emotionally -- if Gilgamesh won't see this through, then he's a coward. That's it. He knows the King of Heroes is smart enough to know what he's asking, as if the wet trembling of his breathing isn't enough to carry it all by itself.
It can't be more than an hour now. It's taking all he's got to keep himself awake and angry.]
Then you can run away. If I'm not worth your time, then you shouldn't care if I think you're a fake.
[Tokiomi is too tired to argue in circles. Gil leaving at the last moment is heartbreaking, but he doesn't know what he's supposed to do to appease him at this point. The world is too fuzzy, blurred by agony and his body's failing strength, so he gives up on making eye contact and just turns on his side to curl into a ball.
If Gilgamesh is leaving, then he can't make it any worse by giving in to physical and emotional collapse.]
[And yet, somehow, he does care. He was--still is Tokiomi's Servant. His Saber. His King. He remembers not wanting to see Tokiomi become as bitter and alone as he had been.
He doesn't understand his own reasons now, but he remembers how strong those feelings were--and so as much as his stomach churns at the thought of facing down death, he finds himself more sickened by the thought of causing what he had set out to prevent.
He'll be angry later for letting old sentimentality that he cannot even comprehend now beat out his pride, but for now he returns to Tokiomi's bedside and leans against the wall, numb and confused.]
[He'd insult him more, but he's still here. If he came back and he's staying, then there's no reason to complain further. What matters is that he's not being left alone.
Of course, it's Gil who'll be left alone momentarily, so it seems. Tokiomi's breathing is slowing from ragged gasps, but it's also becoming shallow and faint. He can't help his eyelids drooping, or the way everything seems to be greying out.]
[He doesn't know how to address the apparent finality of it all, but his tone of voice, soft and tired and lacking all its usual regal bearing, says enough.]
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streetwalkers2013-05-04 05:27 am
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[He leans against Tokiomi a bit, a small sign of affection. Perhaps Tokiomi wasn't nearly as experienced as some of Gilgamesh's other partners, but there are some things you can't outclass a Sumerian prostitute in. Somehow, he can't say he's ever been dissatisfied - the lack of experience is a turn on in and of itself.]
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Unfortunately, that's the last happy moment they get to have. After that point, the illness takes a sharp downhill turn, and Tokiomi never really "wakes up". The fever has simply spiked too high, and any time he isn't asleep he's completely delirious, only able to whine about the pain, the heat, the chill, the nausea and any other thing. When he's able to focus enough to think about anything else, it's only to ask for Gil or, when he has him there, to reach for his hand and hold on tight.
Another three days and he's not strong enough to hold onto it anymore. It's about four am, and finally, finally his breathing calms while he's still conscious. For the first time in days, his eyes focus -- and immediately he tries to sit up, almost frantically looking around the room for his companion.]
...Gilgamesh?
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But when they're alone and Tokiomi stirs, Gilgamesh is by his side instantly. He holds Tokiomi's hand and tries not to shiver himself - He refuses to lose this friend.
So when Tokiomi sits up, startlingly lucid, it takes mere moments for the King of Heroes to appear, his expression all faux amusement]
So you finally wake. You kept me waiting.
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[His voice is hoarse, barely even a whisper. He's so tired -- everything hurts, everything's weak, and he's exhausted. It's too much to stay sitting for more than a moment, so he flops back as soon as Gil's in sight.]
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[He'll forgive Tokiomi as long as he recovers, really. To ensure this happens, he takes his usual perch on the side of the bed and ruffles Tokiomi's hair fondly]
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[He says it with a defeated tone, not even bothering to reach for Gil's hand this time. There's a certainty down to his very bones that he's dying. It hits him with a sudden clarity, and in that moment the stubborn struggle that's been there even at the worst of it is gone. All at once, the spark of his will is visibly snuffed. There's nothing left but letting go.]
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Gilgamesh can't forgive being left alone. He can't forgive Tokiomi for giving up. He can't forgive the world for taking someone else precious away. He is a harsh king, but he forgives far too many things about this era.
He cannot imagine he could forgive this.]
I would not if you betray my expectations.
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[He doesn't want to make Gil hate him. He doesn't want to give up his future. He doesn't want to hurt this much, but he doesn't want to stop feeling anything. He's scared. He's not ready to die yet. Not remotely. But he doesn't think he can hang on much longer, and he doesn't know how to make it stop.
He's crying before he can stop himself, bringing his hands up to cover it and shaking uncontrollably. His tone of voice can only be described as desperate, searching for something to keep him afloat when all he can see is drowning.]
What am I supposed to do? I don't want to die. I don't!
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Gilgamesh is undeniably angry -- those words and the surrender in Tokiomi's voice all count as grave betrayals. He's all emotion now, too wrapped up in his own troubles to abide by his promise to not leave Tokiomi's side. Slamming his fist into the headboard, he gets to his feet and starts towards the door]
I know that gods are cruel and men in their vanity are foolish. I have learned nothing of surrender, not even to death, and if you believe I should, then you're unworthy of my presence.
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[It doesn't matter if Gil is angry at this point. He'll die either way. Being killed by Gilgamesh would be a faster death than this, and one less painful. Who is he to say no to that?
But it still hurts to be walked away from, and he can't really help if his breath comes faster and more ragged because of it.]
If you would rather leave me to die alone than face the fact that I will, you're just being a coward! I didn't learn to live properly from someone who runs away!
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[Ah, but they'll only go in circles with this, won't they? Even Gilgamesh realizes this, and he gives Tokiomi a cruel glare]
So what shall we do with this situation? It would be quick to disavow one another and part as strangers, wouldn't it?
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[Raising his voice makes him cough, but that doesn't stop him. If he's going to go, he's not going to go moping. He'll snap back, even if it means signing over his life faster. Even when his coughs come with blood.]
Go on! Leave! [a pause, to wipe the blood from his chin]
If I live I'll remember that the great King of Heroes is nothing but a spoiled, frightened brat!
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You are not worth measuring against Enkidu -- know this, if you live, you wasted a decade pining for a brat too great for you. What will you do then?
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[What he will do isn't really relevant, is it? It certainly isn't when he can hardly get the words out past the coughs and the tears of pain that come with them. He claps his hands over his mouth, just trying to avoid making a mess.]
I will... Mourn the loss.. of the you who wasn't too s-spineless to love someone.
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Somehow, he had thought he'd wanted that. He thought he would leave with his pride, savor a moment's worth of emotional damage, then walk away without having to witness death. It was certainly easy and appealing.
But actually watching Tokiomi cry is somehow different. Angering and upsetting all at once, Gilgamesh almost wants to curse him again for providing the distress that he had been expecting to see. The King of Heroes doesn't understand what's driving his emotions in this moment; frustrated, he can only snap out a kneejerk reply]
You will cease calling me a coward!
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[Not just "stay in the room". He means it emotionally -- if Gilgamesh won't see this through, then he's a coward. That's it. He knows the King of Heroes is smart enough to know what he's asking, as if the wet trembling of his breathing isn't enough to carry it all by itself.
It can't be more than an hour now. It's taking all he's got to keep himself awake and angry.]
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[Still, he doesn't look ready to leave. Not yet. He knows what Tokiomi wants, but fear and pride stand in his way.]
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[Tokiomi is too tired to argue in circles. Gil leaving at the last moment is heartbreaking, but he doesn't know what he's supposed to do to appease him at this point. The world is too fuzzy, blurred by agony and his body's failing strength, so he gives up on making eye contact and just turns on his side to curl into a ball.
If Gilgamesh is leaving, then he can't make it any worse by giving in to physical and emotional collapse.]
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He doesn't understand his own reasons now, but he remembers how strong those feelings were--and so as much as his stomach churns at the thought of facing down death, he finds himself more sickened by the thought of causing what he had set out to prevent.
He'll be angry later for letting old sentimentality that he cannot even comprehend now beat out his pride, but for now he returns to Tokiomi's bedside and leans against the wall, numb and confused.]
...calling me a fake is even more impermissible.
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Of course, it's Gil who'll be left alone momentarily, so it seems. Tokiomi's breathing is slowing from ragged gasps, but it's also becoming shallow and faint. He can't help his eyelids drooping, or the way everything seems to be greying out.]
Mm. Sorry...
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[He doesn't know how to address the apparent finality of it all, but his tone of voice, soft and tired and lacking all its usual regal bearing, says enough.]
Do try not to run up too much of a tab.
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