streetwalkers | COLLEGE AU MASTER POST

Man, I wish I knew...guess I just wanted to see you all of a sudden.

[He's fine where they are now, sitting on the asphalt holding on to each other. For the first time in ages, even though he still hurts, Cu feels something close to normal again.]

I thought you'd hate me... You should hate me. I know I'm insufferable, but-- Look, I can't even look at you without losing it.

[He's been running this circle of logic long enough that it sounds reasonable to him now. It doesn't even occur to him that maybe they were both wrong, or that Cu wanting to see him could actually mean he wants to continue to see him. Internalized for long enough, "sense" has been removed and only irrational self-doubt remains.]

I'm sorry. I don't want to hold you back, I really don't. You must be really happy getting to do what you're good at, so it's okay. I get it. No one wants to come home to a mess every day. B-But... being without you is so lonely.... That's why I'm going, because-- If I can't forget you, I can just go somewhere where you won't have to think about me anymore.

But you know...

Uh.

[He bites his lip. Wow there's no way this isn't going to come out sounding stupid]

I can't really stop thinking about you.

[It takes a moment for that to register. When it does, he freezes for a moment, then pulls back to give Cu a questioning look, eyes puffy and red and tears still all over his face. He's telling himself not to get his hopes up, but it's blatantly visible on his face how much he wants to hear it's okay, and how scared he is that it's not.]

[He knows that expression well -- that fear's never been directed entirely at him, of course, but, well, he knows there's nothing for Diarmuid to fear.

He leans in and gives him a soft peck on the forehead]

[He very nearly bursts into tears again. The relief is like a dam breaking, and a huge amount of tension drains out of him almost immediately. The feeling is phenomenal, and in fact too much so to cry about. Instead he lets out a small noise of pure, unrestrained joy, and flings his arms around Cu's neck. It's almost hard to breathe, and his hides his big, beaming smile against Cu's ear, muttering "I love you"s like he's trying to make up for all the lost time.]

Edited 2012-08-16 07:46 (UTC)

[He feels like he's surfacing for air for the first time in months. A pressure is lifted from him, and all at once he realizes that he can finally breathe again. He's grateful beyond all words, knowing that Diarmuid could figure him out without words, and without question.

And he laughs as Diarmuid's breath tickles his neck, and laughs because he hasn't in ages and realizes how ridiculous that it. It doesn't matter who was wrong or who did what or why it happened right now -- Cu could care about anything else, save the words "I love you" echoing in his mind]

Love you, too.

It's been so awful.

[He says it rushed, quiet, and full of happy energy. It's not really complaining -- he just can't help trying to express exactly how much he's needed Cu all this time.]

What with Gilgamesh and Oscar and that horrible lemonheaded prick and seeing you everywhere and it was just-- I kept dreaming of you and having to wake up, and I--

[He's going on and he knows it, so he just stops, takes Cu's face in his hands, and kisses him with much more enthusiasm than his usual reserved manner. When they have to break for air, he continues while still breathless.]

Don't you ever leave me again, you stupid oaf.

[He kisses Diarmuid back with a familiarity that makes it seem like they've only been apart a day, and with the relieved desperation that makes it feel like it's been ages. It's second nature, something he hasn't forgotten because he's thought of it more than he could possibly explain, though by now he'd wager Diarmuid's felt it too.

He'll hold him close and rest his forehead on Diarmuid's shoulder, grinning.]

Dunno if I could.

[This feels right. The whole last year has been a lot of "wrong", and it makes the contrast all the sharper. This is where he should be, and he feels whole the way he hasn't in months just from the warm sensation of being held and nuzzling his face into Cu's hair.]

Good. I'd hunt you down and break your arm.

[Cu can't help but laugh as he squeezes Diarmuid close. And maybe it's too soon. Maybe the smart thing to do would be to feel things out more first, but Cu's never been one for logic. This feels like his first stroke of good luck in a long, long time, and he doesn't want to let it get away]

That mean you're gonna come back with me?

[He pauses a bit before answering. He wants to just say "yes" without even thinking about it, but there's a lot more to it than just moving his bags to Cu's car and going.]

...The tickets are already bought. And I'd have to tell my father...

[But his arms tighten around Cu anyway -- he doesn't want to put six inches between them right now. Half a world seems impossible.]

[Oh. Oh. Well.

Never mind about that luck thing.]

...so. How long 'd we got?

I should be leaving already.

[He should, but he's not getting up. He's just clinging like he's terrified of letting go.]

...But I don't want to.

[The responsible thing might be to hurry Diarmuid along. Maybe. But right now Cu doesn't want to be away from him again. He doesn't want to go back to feeling like something's missing. So perhaps it's okay to be a little selfish.]

Then stay...

[He punctuates that with a nip at Diarmuid's ear]

Call your dad.

But--

[He goes quiet for a moment, as what he wants to do battles mentally with what he feels he ought to do.

But it's okay to do something because it feels right, isn't it? It's good to do some things for himself, not to please someone else. It's Cu who taught him that, so he sniffs, rubs at his eyes, and gets up to go for his phone. He doesn't go far -- there's visible nervousness in the way he stays just in touching range, and in the way the fingers of his free hand twitch and flex like they're longing to be laced with someone else's. But he calls, and it just may be the first time Cu's heard him tell his father "no".

It doesn't quite get heated, but it's close. Aengus obviously thinks it's foolishness to run right back to someone to left Diarmuid alone and miserable once already. But the point is that he was miserable because Cu wasn't there, and he'll be just as much so if he goes home by himself right now. He's getting audibly stressed and desperate by the time it quiets down, and then he's muttering "okay" and giving Cu a cautious look.]

He says he wants to hear why I should trust you anymore. From you.

[But of course, it isn't just his father who will hear that answer, and D feels like he's standing on a knife-edge, pulled between two precious people and wondering who, if anyone, is going to catch him when he falls.]

[Cu isn't the nosy sort. He has a habit of tuning out what's going on around him, sometimes even when it's relevant to him. Conversations, phone calls, class lectures, it tends to all float around in the background, not because he's spacy, but because he can't be bothered to care all that much.

In stark contrast, listening to Diarmuid speaking to his father makes him feel almost scared. They haven't been together even an hour, and the longer Cu listens to Diarmuid argue, the more he begins to think that that's all the time they'll have.

Ferdia told him before, there are planes and the internet and shit like that. It isn't like he was wrong, but why go through all that when he could just have Diarmuid right next to him instead?

When the phone is finally handed to him, he gapes at it stupidly for a moment, because as far as he's concerned he's a fuck-up who really can't afford to fuck it up right now.

So after a bit of a scared sigh, he takes the phone and just. Rambles.]

Hi, uh. Sir...

[Politeness. Maybe. Fuck, he doesn't know]

Look, I can't really say if he should trust me because that's his decision. I hope he can, though. Because, shit--

[A beat. Oops.]

Uhm. Uh. Sorry, meant to say I uh, hope he can because I've seen people before, and that means I've broken up with people before. Including this girl who was upset enough to hit me with her car. And every time, it sucked but life went on, you know? You miss 'em for a while and then you move on.

And I tried to do the same thing with Diarmuid, you know, because people tell you that's what makes sense and is healthy. But it was like something with missing, even when I wasn't thinking about him. And nothing felt normal because I guess you don't just give up and move on when you're talking about someone you really care about. More than anyone or anything before.

I know I was a jerk. But I know better now, and I just--

[He pauses and takes a deep breath. It doesn't occur to him that Diarmuid is listening too, but regardless, saying something this heartfelt and sappy is foreign and daunting]

I want to keep him happy and safe if he'll let me. I wouldn't feel right doing anything else.

[That little speech is enough to stun Diarmuid and his father into silence. There's a pause that stretches far longer than it really is, and then D reaches out to gently pluck the phone from Cu's hand.

Before he can, Aengus' voice comes in soft and a little apprehensive. It's a simple question, but a lot hangs on it.

"Do you love him?"]

[Cu stops Diarmuid's hand halfway to the phone, lacing their fingers together.]

More than anything.

[And then he'll push the phone into Diarmuid's free hand with an affectionate smile]

[The response on the other line is a sigh, resigned but not unhappy. Diarmuid squeezes Cu's hand, returning his smile as he takes the phone.]

You see? I'm staying. I'll call you again later.

[Discussion ended, he pockets his phone. He's not sure what to say to Cu right now, but he figures he can start by pulling his hand to his lips and brushing kisses over his knuckles.]

And now, I go wherever you take me.

COLLEGE AU MASTER POST

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