streetwalkers | COLLEGE AU MASTER POST

[His expression softens almost immediately, and the hurt and fear come bubbling up when he offers a hand to Diarmuid. Cu can see how scared he is, how Cu himself must have been a source of that, and he feels another wave of nausea hit him.]

Hey...we gotta go.

[For a moment he looks between Cu and Gil and Kirei, the urge to run warring with the fear of even moving in case something painful comes in response. After a second though, flight and the safety Cu represents win out, and he takes that hand to pull himself to his feet.

He nearly falls the instant he's up -- everything hurts, and he's worn out so badly that standing makes him dizzy. Fortunately, he manages to direct his velocity into steps, and without even saying anything he suddenly runs, pulling Cu along behind him right past an amused but not terribly bothered Kirei, who seems entertained enough with holding Gil up.

He has to get out of that room. Just being in their own bedroom helps, and once they are he finally exhales, and sits heavily on the bed.]

[He flops onto the bed beside Diarmuid, face first in the covers as he catches his breath, calms down, and tries not to let his emotional panic get the better of him. Slowly, cautiously, he reaches out to take Diarmuid's hand. He doesn't know what to do, can't muddle out what to say, knows at least he shouldn't ask if things are okay because fuck no, they're not]

Should probably get you to a doctor...

[He shakes his head at the suggestion, though he does squeeze Cu's hand lightly. He doesn't want to put himself in anyone else's hands right now, and he doesn't want authorities involved -- it would bounce back and hit his family somehow if he messed up.

Right now he just wants to get cleaned up, dressed, and rested. Moving to the bathroom is risky, though... he glances to the door, then back down, and pulls his knees to his chest with his free arm. He looks like he's had a ton of bricks dumped on him, followed by a ton of kitchen knives and lit cigarettes, but it isn't life-threatening. He's just in pain and exhausted beyond belief. That and severely traumatized.]

Too tired...

[He can feel Diarmuid shiver, and he can hear the fear and hesitance that reminds him all too much of those encounters with Kayneth. There's still anger boiling beneath Cu's surface, rage and fear and resentment because Diarmuid didn't deserve more of this, and biting it all back is what he should be doing, but god damn it he doesn't want to.

Wordlessly, he sits up and lets go of Diarmuid's hand for only a moment as he carefully scoots over to sit closer.]

Okay. We can rest, then.

[He leans in, not sure if the touch will make things worse, but he's still not sure what to do. Cu's not a gentle person, and he knows that, and part of him hates the realization because isn't that exactly what Diarmuid needs right now?]

[He pulls that hand in the moment it's not held anymore, curling up even tighter and hiding his face in his knees. He's still nude, still covered in blood and mess, and as adrenaline wears off and exhaustion takes over, he's unable to stay clammed up any longer. Kirei & Gilgamesh are still here, still in the next room, but there's still something safe about being in here with Cu right next to him. He knows they won't be pursued. It wouldn't be as fun if it was taken out of the set-up and away from the gags and chains and the seemingly scores of other implements kept in that room. Plus, Gil got hit, and that means he's going to sulk.

So it's safe enough to lose it now (not that he hasn't cracked a hundred times over in the last eight hours, just like they wanted). He sniffs a couple of times, making a token effort at being graceful before he dissolves into tears, much more audible and sloppy than normal. He's usually a pretty crier, quiet and unobtrusive -- but not now. Now it's loud, full-body sobs of the sort Cu's probably only seen once before: the moment just after waking in the hospital, when he'd found out he was dumped and Arturia had chased everyone out of the room with a stony expression and not let them back in until well after it had gone quiet. It's he sound of someone so full of pain that it can't even fit inside him anymore, so it has to spill out messily and with no regard for dignity.]

[Those harsh sobs snap Cu's heart in two. Because he hadn't been there to stop it, hadn't thought that something like this would happen, which was just so fucking stupid that he just wants to scream at himself because why did you have to be stupid about Diarmuid, self?

And he forgets to be careful, and wraps his arms around Diarmuid and holds him as tight as possible, hoping that somehow the physical contact will just make things better, just a little bit]

I'm sorry...

[At first, he flinches at the touch. But it's Cu, and even if it wasn't he's sure he can't hurt any worse than he already is. In the end, between the fact that the hug physically hurts like hell and the fact that Cu's closeness makes him feel secure, it balances out into neutral. He can't calm down for awhile, and hes sobbing far too hard to get words out at first. When he does his voice is strained and he sounds, quite honestly, a wreck -- raw and tired and hurt and more than a little hopeless.]

Why do these things keep happening to me...? What did I do?!

Nothing. I've told you before, huh...? You deserve more than what you get.

[He loosens up a little as the adrenaline begins to wear off until he's just draped protectively around Diarmuid. Cu's voice is uncharacteristically soft, the sort of tone you wouldn't think he'd be capable of unless you caught him like this.]

I'd give it to you if I could. Because all this shit ain't fair.

[That tone of voice is soothing, partly because he knows not everyone gets that kind of thing from Cu. He leans more heavily on him, shaking mostly from sheer exhaustion.]

It hurts. It always hurts...

[He sighs into Diarmuid's shoulder, pausing to mull over all the words jumbled up in his head]

's that something I can fix? You just gotta tell me, you know, and I'd--

[What would he do? Cu can't really put it all into words because the anger, the frustration, the heartbreak -- he figures he can't understand what it's like entirely, but it gets reflected back onto him, and he imagines that he can feel it a little. He might not have realized it entirely in the happy, quiet moments he and Diarmuid have spent together, but the other man is such a part of him, someone he cares so deeply about that it's because second nature. He can't feel it entirely, and he figures as much, but it hurts enough to make him want to risk anything and everything to make it go away for the both of them]

Fuck...I'd do anything to fix it. Anything.

I don't know.

[He'd like it if Cu could fix it, too. He'd like it if all of the problems could be neatly bound up and packaged and dealt with in a single simple solution. But it isn't like that. There are issues upon issues, a million pains and worries and terrible memories that tangle up and tendril out into almost every aspect of Diarmuid's life. Trying to get the in order is harder than controlling a herd of cats, and sometimes he despairs of ever being consistently happy again.

Cu is a big help just by being there, of course. Their good times are the best in D's recent memory, and the other man has become essential to keeping him going. Right now, though, even that feels a little bleak. He's at emotional rock bottom in this moment, and it shows in how he refuses to return Cu's physical affection the way he usually does. He's just withdrawing, curling til he's as small as possible and beginning to pull his weight away from his lover's shoulder and back to himself.]

I don't know if anything can fix it. Even if you say it's not my fault -- that doesn't make sense. It wouldn't keep happening if it wasn't anything to do with me. And since I don't know what it is I can't stop it, so it'll just keep happening.

I've tried really hard to do well by everyone, but I can't. I can't do it anymore. It hurts too much.

COLLEGE AU MASTER POST

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