COLLEGE AU MASTER POST

[tosshi]

yeah keeping it all to one post!

content warning for a lot of sexual and/or violent stuff just like this whole musebox.

Comments

[erank]

[He sighs into Diarmuid's shoulder, pausing to mull over all the words jumbled up in his head]

's that something I can fix? You just gotta tell me, you know, and I'd--

[What would he do? Cu can't really put it all into words because the anger, the frustration, the heartbreak -- he figures he can't understand what it's like entirely, but it gets reflected back onto him, and he imagines that he can feel it a little. He might not have realized it entirely in the happy, quiet moments he and Diarmuid have spent together, but the other man is such a part of him, someone he cares so deeply about that it's because second nature. He can't feel it entirely, and he figures as much, but it hurts enough to make him want to risk anything and everything to make it go away for the both of them]

Fuck...I'd do anything to fix it. Anything.

[beautymark]

I don't know.

[He'd like it if Cu could fix it, too. He'd like it if all of the problems could be neatly bound up and packaged and dealt with in a single simple solution. But it isn't like that. There are issues upon issues, a million pains and worries and terrible memories that tangle up and tendril out into almost every aspect of Diarmuid's life. Trying to get the in order is harder than controlling a herd of cats, and sometimes he despairs of ever being consistently happy again.

Cu is a big help just by being there, of course. Their good times are the best in D's recent memory, and the other man has become essential to keeping him going. Right now, though, even that feels a little bleak. He's at emotional rock bottom in this moment, and it shows in how he refuses to return Cu's physical affection the way he usually does. He's just withdrawing, curling til he's as small as possible and beginning to pull his weight away from his lover's shoulder and back to himself.]

I don't know if anything can fix it. Even if you say it's not my fault -- that doesn't make sense. It wouldn't keep happening if it wasn't anything to do with me. And since I don't know what it is I can't stop it, so it'll just keep happening.

I've tried really hard to do well by everyone, but I can't. I can't do it anymore. It hurts too much.