streetwalkers | IT'S TRUE

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kida masaomi

IT'S TRUE

[When Mikado didn't immediately show up to see him in the hospital once he was conscious, Kida was surprised and hurt. When he didn't show up for the first week, he was worried. When he didn't answer his phone, that worry turned into fear. Now, seven weeks and two days since he woke up and another two months since he was hospitalized in the first place, all without a sign of Mikado, Kida's just... sad. Lonely. Guilty. Obviously it's his fault, right? Because of what he did, Mikado's done with him. Because he wasn't obedient enough, loving enough, trusting enough -- he wasn't good enough in any parameter. It's been a long time coming, right? Once Mikado was rid of him for a few days, it must have been a huge relief. His life must be infinitely better without that burden on him all the time.

So when he's released from the hospital, Kida's already decided. He won't ask for anything else. He'll go and get his things so Mikado won't have to look at them (erase any sign he was ever there, if he can), and then he'll disappear. What does it matter if he has nowhere to go? No one deserves to deal with him, so it's better that way. He's not sure if he'll try to continue living or not, but if he doesn't he'll definitely make sure to go far away first, or arrange it so he'll never be found (or at least never identified). He doesn't want Mikado to feel guilty (not that he has any reason to).

He's determined not to do anything to make it harder on Mikado. He's determined not to cry, or fuss, or anything that would be inconvenient. The only trouble he'll ever give Mikado again is the trouble of seeing him long enough to empty his presence from the apartment. He shows up carrying a plastic bag full of hospital take-homes and an empty cardboard box, face set in a gentle smile that doesn't even touch his eyes, and knocks.]

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Well I can't be who I used to be and I don't like who I've been lately. I'll never be good enough, so I might as well give up trying.

Good enough for what? According to who? You'll always be good enough.... Better, even.

...Sorry. I can't believe that.

[It's a flat rejection. He's giving all he's got to keep himself sounding disinterested, but he's pulling it off. Internally, however, he wants to scream. This is a subject he doesn't want to address with Mikado now.

Meanwhile, he's emptied his drawers and is now going around the apartment finding anything that has a trace of him. If it seems like it could have a memory attached, he's taking it, even if it wasn't his to begin with. The mug he always drank tea from. The spoon he chipped by throwing it during an argument. The star-shaped decals he'd stuck to the window "because this place is so small and boring". There are happy memories like that here, just as much as there are painful ones. But he's packing it all away.

Knowing that his life here with Mikado all fits into one cardboard box is somehow both relieving and incredibly upsetting.]

...You have places you could go.

Do I?

[He certainly can't think of any.]

You could...

[Go where? Where could Kida go? Mikado scrubs at his face, tired and stressed.]

Masaomi, please.

[shakes his head, dropping the his toothbrush into the box and starting to close it]

I already decided. If you don't want me to go, then...

[a pause, biting his lip. if he continues he's going to lose his cool facade, but...]

What...? Why the... Why the hell would I want you to go?

I just kept making everything worse. It must've hurt, having to come home to something so frustrating. But since I can't return to the person that'd make you smile, I'm not going to make you deal with it anymore. It was probably a lot easier when I wasn't here, right? That's why you left me alone all this time...

[forces his fists to unclench so he can pick his box up, avoiding looking at Mikado at all]

N-no... No that'... I thought, after what happened... You wouldn't want to see me. I wouldn't help.

[Takes a deep breath.] You never... You didn't do anything wrong. [Locking someone up in a bathroom for a week after attacking them with a knife is actually pretty wrong, Mikado.]

I'm the one who betrayed you.

...I was afraid, and you weren't there.

[That's what really hurts. The abuse itself is too twisted in on itself in his head to be counted as betrayal anymore. Even when he tried to stop him, it was for Mikado's good more than his. But being left alone, waking up with nightmares and no one to cling to -- that cut.]

...Masaomi...

[Not sure what to say, what he even has the right to say. But maybe having the right shouldn't matter. He steps forward, hand outstretched, hesitant, like he might startled Kida away.]

If you think the way we are is wrong, then take responsibility!

[It comes out a snap -- and after that, the floodgates are open.]

If you want me to believe I'm "better", prove it! Maybe it really is your fault, but if it is then-- then you broke me, so you can fix me. You can't make me need you and then tell me to go on living by myself! It's not fair! If I'm not wanted here I really will--

Masaomi!

[He reaches out, catches Masaomi's arm and tugs gently, stepping up to hug him, awkward with the box in Kida's arms.]

I never said you weren't wanted here. Y-you'll always be wanted here... I'll... I'll always want you here. I want you, okay? With me. I don't want you to disappear. I don't want you to... [Die.]

Then make me stay.

[It's probably a bad thing to ask. He knows it's "bad" in essence. But he isn't asking to be hurt, really. He's just asking to be told what to do, for Mikado to show just a little of that possessiveness -- it's what "normal". He knows they have to change they way they interact, but right now he's craving that feeling of being wanted intensely.]

[Mikado's grip tightens a bit on Masaomi's arm, not sure what to do, but not willing to let go.]

....Is that... What you want?

[Kida pauses for a moment, more considering whether to speak than considering what to say. He's been rehearsing a million conversations for weeks.]

But I... Maybe it's a sign how fucked up I am, but I want you to push me. Don't hurt me, just... [looking at the floor seems like a good way not to be afraid] I-I think I need it, a little. Being held down. We can find a safe limit, right?

[Mikado's stomach twists in knows, he's not sure what he's even feeling at that request. Part of him wants to but the rest of him is horrified and scared of that, disgusted with himself.]

[But still, excited too? He swallows, looking at Kida for a long time, frozen.]

[He breathes out slowly, coming to a decision after what seems like forever, shaking a little.]

Okay. If that's... What you want I can, I can do it.

Okay. And I want you to treat me like we're together. Since we're supposed to be, aren't we?

[He pulls away from Mikado, mostly just to put his box down. But he's still looking unsure and no little bit ashamed.]

S-So you're possessive, and you're a sadist, that's not gonna change. But it's okay. Even if it's because I'm... broken... I'm a masochist. And I'm needy and insecure-- But, uhm, I was always like that, believe it or not.

[It takes rubbing his face a bit to calm down, but by the time he's done with that he can manage a smile that resembles, at least a little, the person Mikado grew up with.]

Actually, we compliment each other really well. We can make it work, if you want to.

Edited 2013-07-25 11:22 (UTC)

[Mikado let's Kida pull away to set the box down, swallows again because his mouth is dry and he can't even deny that he's possessive and a sadist, doesn't try to.]

[But he's thinking, trying to figure out what careful steps to take from here, what he needs to do to make sure Kida doesn't walk away and disappear.]

[He slides forward a step, takes Kida's hand in his, tangling their fingers because they are supposed to be dating, even if they've barely so much as kissed.]

What can I do, to make you feel wanted...? I want to make it work. I don't... I don't care what it is, if you need it... You're right, I am possessive and... I'm probably a sadist and you're... You've been better. But I still want this to work.

[That gesture is greatly appreciated. That sort of intimacy is the number one thing that's been lacking between them all this time. There's been a sort of distance they couldn't cross, and it's impossible to ease the tension that way.

It's good to feel Mikado's warmth and not be afraid of it. It's what he's wanted... He can't deny that he's always continued to love him, even at the lowest moments.]

Just say it. That you want me, and you love me. I know you do, or-- Why else would be put up with each other? And then, uhm...

[How does he put this? He's still too self-conscious to just ask. What used to be an easy joke is now a massive source of shame. But it doesn't have to be. He's just not sure how to articulate it--

So, well, he doesn't bother. He just takes that last little step forward, holding onto Mikado's hand to he can't run away, and goes in for a kiss.]

[Mikado tightens his fingers in Kida's, returning the kiss inexpertly. He's not terrible, but it isn't exactly as if he's been practicing. After a moment of kissing back softly he decides to take the risk of deepening it, lifting his other arm to place his hand on the small of Kida's back and hold him firmly like that.]

[Kida said hold him down, keep him, but for now just that much of an embrace is all Mikado is willing to trust himself to do. Especially when this is so raw and uncertain and he's scared more of himself than anything right now, but he wants this. He wants to push Kida back... That though is also scary.]

[He knots his fingers in the back of Kida's shirt and makes a rough, low noise against the other boy's lips, pulling back, barely an inch, voice hoarse.]

I want you. I love you. Stay with me. [It's not a request and but not firm enough to be a command either.]

That's a good start.

[He laughs against Mikado's lips (when was the last time he laughed?), leaning into him and soaking up the attention.

That's much better. That's what he was longing for -- just to be wanted and needed and held like this. If they can continue to bridge the gap, he's sure it'll be okay. Even if they're bound to stumble a lot in the process.]

[Kind of stops breathing for a moment. When was the last time Kida laughed...? (When was the last time he himself laughed and it wasn't forced?) He makes kind of a small noise and kisses Kida again, less shy about fitting himself the rest of the way into Kida's space and just right up against him. It's a shorter kiss, and he's a little breathless by the end.]

Let's... I hate this apartment. I was thinking... We should move. Somewhere nicer.

With a double bed?

[He has his priorities. Chief among them is pushing for increased physical intimacy. Not only does it make him feel better, but it might help Mikado destress, and that's important.]

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