streetwalkers | IT'S TRUE

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kida masaomi

IT'S TRUE

[When Mikado didn't immediately show up to see him in the hospital once he was conscious, Kida was surprised and hurt. When he didn't show up for the first week, he was worried. When he didn't answer his phone, that worry turned into fear. Now, seven weeks and two days since he woke up and another two months since he was hospitalized in the first place, all without a sign of Mikado, Kida's just... sad. Lonely. Guilty. Obviously it's his fault, right? Because of what he did, Mikado's done with him. Because he wasn't obedient enough, loving enough, trusting enough -- he wasn't good enough in any parameter. It's been a long time coming, right? Once Mikado was rid of him for a few days, it must have been a huge relief. His life must be infinitely better without that burden on him all the time.

So when he's released from the hospital, Kida's already decided. He won't ask for anything else. He'll go and get his things so Mikado won't have to look at them (erase any sign he was ever there, if he can), and then he'll disappear. What does it matter if he has nowhere to go? No one deserves to deal with him, so it's better that way. He's not sure if he'll try to continue living or not, but if he doesn't he'll definitely make sure to go far away first, or arrange it so he'll never be found (or at least never identified). He doesn't want Mikado to feel guilty (not that he has any reason to).

He's determined not to do anything to make it harder on Mikado. He's determined not to cry, or fuss, or anything that would be inconvenient. The only trouble he'll ever give Mikado again is the trouble of seeing him long enough to empty his presence from the apartment. He shows up carrying a plastic bag full of hospital take-homes and an empty cardboard box, face set in a gentle smile that doesn't even touch his eyes, and knocks.]

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Then make me stay.

[It's probably a bad thing to ask. He knows it's "bad" in essence. But he isn't asking to be hurt, really. He's just asking to be told what to do, for Mikado to show just a little of that possessiveness -- it's what "normal". He knows they have to change they way they interact, but right now he's craving that feeling of being wanted intensely.]

[Mikado's grip tightens a bit on Masaomi's arm, not sure what to do, but not willing to let go.]

....Is that... What you want?

[Kida pauses for a moment, more considering whether to speak than considering what to say. He's been rehearsing a million conversations for weeks.]

But I... Maybe it's a sign how fucked up I am, but I want you to push me. Don't hurt me, just... [looking at the floor seems like a good way not to be afraid] I-I think I need it, a little. Being held down. We can find a safe limit, right?

[Mikado's stomach twists in knows, he's not sure what he's even feeling at that request. Part of him wants to but the rest of him is horrified and scared of that, disgusted with himself.]

[But still, excited too? He swallows, looking at Kida for a long time, frozen.]

[He breathes out slowly, coming to a decision after what seems like forever, shaking a little.]

Okay. If that's... What you want I can, I can do it.

Okay. And I want you to treat me like we're together. Since we're supposed to be, aren't we?

[He pulls away from Mikado, mostly just to put his box down. But he's still looking unsure and no little bit ashamed.]

S-So you're possessive, and you're a sadist, that's not gonna change. But it's okay. Even if it's because I'm... broken... I'm a masochist. And I'm needy and insecure-- But, uhm, I was always like that, believe it or not.

[It takes rubbing his face a bit to calm down, but by the time he's done with that he can manage a smile that resembles, at least a little, the person Mikado grew up with.]

Actually, we compliment each other really well. We can make it work, if you want to.

Edited 2013-07-25 11:22 (UTC)

[Mikado let's Kida pull away to set the box down, swallows again because his mouth is dry and he can't even deny that he's possessive and a sadist, doesn't try to.]

[But he's thinking, trying to figure out what careful steps to take from here, what he needs to do to make sure Kida doesn't walk away and disappear.]

[He slides forward a step, takes Kida's hand in his, tangling their fingers because they are supposed to be dating, even if they've barely so much as kissed.]

What can I do, to make you feel wanted...? I want to make it work. I don't... I don't care what it is, if you need it... You're right, I am possessive and... I'm probably a sadist and you're... You've been better. But I still want this to work.

[That gesture is greatly appreciated. That sort of intimacy is the number one thing that's been lacking between them all this time. There's been a sort of distance they couldn't cross, and it's impossible to ease the tension that way.

It's good to feel Mikado's warmth and not be afraid of it. It's what he's wanted... He can't deny that he's always continued to love him, even at the lowest moments.]

Just say it. That you want me, and you love me. I know you do, or-- Why else would be put up with each other? And then, uhm...

[How does he put this? He's still too self-conscious to just ask. What used to be an easy joke is now a massive source of shame. But it doesn't have to be. He's just not sure how to articulate it--

So, well, he doesn't bother. He just takes that last little step forward, holding onto Mikado's hand to he can't run away, and goes in for a kiss.]

[Mikado tightens his fingers in Kida's, returning the kiss inexpertly. He's not terrible, but it isn't exactly as if he's been practicing. After a moment of kissing back softly he decides to take the risk of deepening it, lifting his other arm to place his hand on the small of Kida's back and hold him firmly like that.]

[Kida said hold him down, keep him, but for now just that much of an embrace is all Mikado is willing to trust himself to do. Especially when this is so raw and uncertain and he's scared more of himself than anything right now, but he wants this. He wants to push Kida back... That though is also scary.]

[He knots his fingers in the back of Kida's shirt and makes a rough, low noise against the other boy's lips, pulling back, barely an inch, voice hoarse.]

I want you. I love you. Stay with me. [It's not a request and but not firm enough to be a command either.]

That's a good start.

[He laughs against Mikado's lips (when was the last time he laughed?), leaning into him and soaking up the attention.

That's much better. That's what he was longing for -- just to be wanted and needed and held like this. If they can continue to bridge the gap, he's sure it'll be okay. Even if they're bound to stumble a lot in the process.]

[Kind of stops breathing for a moment. When was the last time Kida laughed...? (When was the last time he himself laughed and it wasn't forced?) He makes kind of a small noise and kisses Kida again, less shy about fitting himself the rest of the way into Kida's space and just right up against him. It's a shorter kiss, and he's a little breathless by the end.]

Let's... I hate this apartment. I was thinking... We should move. Somewhere nicer.

With a double bed?

[He has his priorities. Chief among them is pushing for increased physical intimacy. Not only does it make him feel better, but it might help Mikado destress, and that's important.]

[Mikado doesn't blush, which is probably an oddly sad thing. He's never even been that intimate and the question doesn't fluster him. Too much damage in other areas to maintain the innocence necessary to get embarrassed.]

...Yeah. Okay.

Good. I'm going to make you take steam off until you're a noodle.

[But right now he's just going to put all his weight onto Mikado in an attempt to make him fall down.]

[Kida may have lost a lot of muscle over the year but he still has a bit of height and weight on Mikado. The operation is a success.]

Ah--hey!

[hooraaaay! from here, he can use Mikado's chest as a pillow]

Tell me you love me again.

[Mikado runs his fingers through Kida's hair, staring at the ceiling fan.]

...I love you. I love you I love you I love you, I want you to stay with me.

[It comes out a little stilted at first, it's hard to say, but by the fourth I love you it's smooth and sincere.]

[It's okay if it's awkward at first. The more they say it, the easier it'll be. And every little "I love you" is a chip taken out of the mountain of hurt they've caused each other. Maybe, after a long time, they'll be able to chip it away to nothing.

Just that little bit is enough to get a major reaction out of Kida. By the end of it he's buried his face in Mikado's chest, his shoulders shaking as he holds on tight.]

I love you too.

[Mikado wraps his arms around Kida and lays like that, eyes closing tight, throat nearly closing too, making it hard to say anything for a while. These are a lot of emotions to handle. He feels like he's drowning.]

[But Kida's here. And... Maybe, eventually, after a long time, things might start to seem okay again.]

....I'm sorry.

It's okay. I'm not mad...

[He should be. He knows that. But he can't bring himself to be. It's a lot easier to just throw away any anger in favor of reaching for what he wants now.]

You should be....

[Not being mad is not the healthy reaction, Mikado is pretty sure.]

I don't want to be.

....Okay.

[What else is he supposed to do, argue why Kida should be mad? He just wants to hold Kida right now and not let go. So he does that, instead.]

[There's not much point in arguing. They both know he ought to be mad and they both know how unhealthy it is that he's not. But they should also both know that they're both too tired to deal with it if he were right now. Cuddling is a much better prospect at the moment.]

Let's just stay like this, okay?

[It really is pointless when they both know all the reasons and Kida's not mad anyway. Arguing would just be... Stupid. So Mikado kind of rolls onto his side, tugging Kida a bit to hold him and nods.]

Like this, then. Tell me if you get hungry.

I will.

[Right at the moment, he's too happy to want to move. What he is though is worn out, so it only takes a few moments before he starts to nod off.]

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