streetwalkers | ROLESWAP AU MASTER POST

[...Tokiomi.

He knew that was his name. Didn't he? It was there, stuck in the back of his throat, and Gil almost wants to scream it out.

He doesn't, of course. He doesn't even take the offered hand, waving it off with a low chuckle]

A pleasure.

Of course.

[What else does he say? All the pleasantries seem to be escaping him. The more he looks at Gil, the more he remembers Gil. The more he remembers, the more jumbled his thoughts get, until even his vision gets a little hazy.

He puts his hand down on the desk, leaning on it perhaps a little too obviously as he tries to keep himself together. There's no sense in inconveniencing someone over dreams. They're just dreams.]

[It's hard not to notice how Tokiomi sinks against the desk. As a matter of fact, it's hard not to notice everything about Tokiomi - the unfocused look in his bright eyes, the way he's clutching his boxes like he's scared to drop them, the stuffy way he carried himself that said he's probably never gotten laid ever.

Gilgamesh doesn't like the feelings Tokiomi stirs in him, but he can't look away. He never knew he had been waiting for so long, just for the chance to look at someone]

...the other side of the room is yours. Don't mess with my things.

I wouldn't be so inelegant.

[The response is automatic, half-muttered. There's entirely too much going on upstairs, right now. He feels sick, dizzy, like he's both here and in several other places all at once. It occurs to him that he should put down the rest of what he has. Without thinking of why that's so important, he deposits his things on the desk--

--and as soon as they're safely out of his arms, he promptly takes a very inelegant tumble to the floor.]

[...well that's an inconvenience removed. For the moment.

Gilgamesh doesn't get up to check on Tokiomi. Instead, he stretches out, sliding off the couch just a bit, and prods at Tokiomi with his toe.]

Elegant? Really?

[Semi-conscious is a great way to be! He'll be really embarrassed about this later, but at the moment he's too overloaded to function and has no idea where he is or who he is, let alone which way is up. His response to being prodded is to curl up just the slightest bit and make a rather pained noise.]

[Gilgamesh frowns - he doesn't like being ignored (half conscious is not an excuse), but it doesn't take long to realize being ignored is less pressing than seeing Tokiomi in what looks to be a bad place.

Well.]

Answer me.

[Sorry Gil, you're not getting through. He's busy curling into a ball on his side and pressing his head into his hands because it hurts, and he can barely breathe.]

[Ugh, FINE. He's going to go sit on his bed and try to ignore this, because he certainly didn't sign up for baffling feelings and flashbacks to horrific and gory dreams he's had since he can fucking remember.

So shutting out the apparent source of the problem seems fair. And he has a fucking orchard to plant.]

[That's okay! Tokiomi's just going to be down here for awhile. Until eventually he just passes out entirely, though he remains flushed and looking feverish when he does.]

[It's easy to ignore when he has control and can stubbornly will the feelings away. Gilgamesh goes about his business, stepping over Tokiomi when he goes out to get dinner, stepping over Tokiomi when he comes back and crawls into bed.

When sleep sets in and there's no wall of ego between Gilgamesh and the things that have taken up residence in his head, it's more difficult to resist.

For the first time the dream is new. Just like before he has small hands and a small voice, but the malice and the desperation have all but vanished. In their place is warmth and a tingling at the tips of his fingers that's confusing but not unpleasant. Still, the feeling is strong enough to make him go weak right down to his knees, and so it's convenient that his small body is sunk into the cushions of a wide armchair.

This is love, his mind tells him, though he can't say he knows the feeling. This is something to keep you safe and sane. This is something perfect and you need it. More than anything, this feeling is the most important.

So many strong emotions, so many resolute words in his mind, impractical and overwrought and all directed with an uncommon intensity towards a boy not-Gil's age.

Well.

When he awakes with a start and a shout, more terrified than the ones he's given as he woke from his bloody nightmares.]

[When Gil wakes up, Tokiomi is still on the floor. But he's awake now, sort of. Mostly. Recently.

The long rest has given his mind time to mesh the two different Tokiomis, filing the memories and feelings into a neat order and place. It's still strange, but in the warm and foggy moments just after waking he has an odd feeling that it's only now that he's completely whole.

Gil's shout draws his attention, and he lifts his gaze sleepily from the floor to watch him.]

...Hm?

[Oh. You're still there.

Grumpily, Gil rolls over and pulls a blanket over his head, peering at Tokiomi from underneath. It's a long, grumpy stare, and what makes it terrible is the more he looks, the more a very simple fact settles in Gilgamesh's mind:

Here's the person you loved.
Here's the person they took from you.

Real-Gil scoffs at the notion, because Tokiomi hardly seems like the kind of person Gilgamesh would be intersted in. He's too soft. Too proper.

But something is urging him to accept those facts and make them a part of his reality and he can't make it shut up, out of sorts as he is.]

...you're here.

[Tired. Confused. Nothing feels like it makes sense, so he rubs his face to hide the blush creeping to his ears (since when did he blush?)]

That's all. I was... surprised.

[At first, in the haze of this weird readjustment of identity, Tokiomi forgets that Gilgamesh has not yet shown any sign of remembering any of the things that he himself does. He's still groggy and disoriented, and because of that, the other boy is treated to a soft, unguarded smile full of all that soft and tingly emotion that Gil just identified for himself as "love".

It's not a look someone could give a stranger. Not remotely.]

This is where I'm supposed to be, isn't it?

[But it's hardly out of his mouth before reality sets in and he sits up, shaking his head to clear it. No, he tells himself. No matter what face his roommate his making, he's not allowed to act like that. Even if this is the person he's been missing -- the person he loves, he can't impose that on someone who'd just think he's crazy. Even if the thought makes his heart ache so intensely that he feels tears welling up already. He doesn't want to be "alone" right within reach of Gil. The last time that happened, he'd been desperately screaming...]

[It is, he's right. He's here. They're both here, and Gil feels his chest clench like this is some sort of miracle rather than a random roommate situation.

And oh... that smile. It's been too long since he's seen it for real, and he'd throw the rest of the world away if he could just kiss him or keep that smile for his own.

He's still fighting it of course, because he doesn't understand, but his reply is soft nevertheless]

...is it? I'd almost forgotten.

[His hands are halfway to pre-emptively wiping his eyes when he registers what Gil said. He freezes like that, completely still as it processes through the shock.

When he looks up again he's both stunned and hopeful, and he's forgotten to stop himself from crying.]

...You remember?

I recall you passed out on the floor. Ha! If you think you belong there, then so be it!

[The reply is a harsh attempt to pull himself back together. To have his ego shaken so thoroughly by one person doesn't sit well with Gilgamesh, after all. He wants to push out what feels like some other person trying to consume his feelings.

He won't have it. He doesn't want it.

Even when the sight of Tokiomi's tears stirs a startlingly clear memory of of a desperate fight and cries for help, Gilgamesh is still frightened to allow the memory any space in his mind.]

[That's definitely not what he meant. Right? The tone of voice is too different. The look on Gil's face is too different.

So it's scary. Remembering a whole nother life is painful and terrifying. But while Tokiomi is polite, and while he isn't above layering that politeness with authority figures when it serves his needs, Gil is not an authority figure. He's just Gil, and now Tokiomi distinctly remembers him being a brat. So even though those words are a punch, and even though they make his cheeks burn with both hurt and humiliation, he's determined not to let it go.

After he wipes his eyes he uses one hand on the desk to get to his feet, then turns and stares Gil down with his arms folded in a gracefully stern, no-nonsense pose that must be startlingly familiar. The cool, business-like tone of voice is no different than the first time they met. (The real first time.)]

It might have been a lifetime ago now, but I can still tell everyone what an awkward virgin you were.

[He snaps instantly. No time to hold it back.]

You wouldn't, or you'd look insane!

[It's not a lie of course, because the memories are coming back. The desire to touch and the uncertain nervousness that came when he didn't know how to do just that. He was all thumbs, all scared tight lipped kisses, and he knows better now but it wasn't enough the first time around. Nothing was ever enough, they were too naive and there wasn't enough time, but now, now--

Now what?]

I wouldn't tell them it was in 1995, obviously. But if you'd like me to be polite, and if you'd like to make up for-- for letting me die alone after all, you can man up and come over here and kiss me.

[Because he knows Gil knows, and it only hurts them both to fake it.]

[Is that a challenge?

It sounds like a challenge.

Spurred on by his annoyance and the mask it casts over his emotional hangups, Gil slides out of bed and goes to answer Tokiomi. Just because he doesn't like backing down, and doesn't want to say no to someone who clearly wants him badly.

It isn't an emotional thing.

Not at all.]

Aren't you bold? If you want me so badly, I could hardly refuse!

[It's just that he has something to prove in how he kneels down by Tokiomi, tilting his chin up to kiss him, rough and commanding and desperate.]

[That's not the kind of kiss he's used to, and he can't say he likes it much. But it's not that it's a bad kiss, so much as that he hates feeling the resistance in it. It's like his Gil is just inches away, but he can't quite touch him.

Nevertheless, Tokiomi kisses back, just as desperate and for an entirely different reason.]

[Without thinking, he almost sighs against Tokiomi.

Finally.

...Finally?

The moment he thinks that, he pulls back and his aloof smirk is pressed firmly back into place.]

An awkward virgin, huh?

...You were, then.

[Definitely not now, though. And Tokiomi's never been kissed like that -- this Tokiomi, the new one, has never been kissed at all. He's bright red after that, but the sadness in his expression is a counter to it.]

Why are you pretending?

[...well shit.]

Pretending?

[He stands back up, turning on his heel and sitting back on his bed, legs crossed]

I kissed you for your sake! Don't mistake my charity as an attempt to lead you on.

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