streetwalkers | ROLESWAP AU MASTER POST

You don't get it. [ it's sad how much byakuya doesn't get it. ]

This is important. I'm finally doing something important -- [ and that's probably why it feels so great? he's never felt more useful, really. and it's why when he fails, like he did tonight, it feels so much fucking worse. ] This actually matters.

[Maybe if Shinji says it enough, it'll really sink in. Right now there's still a barrier, and he's trying to make what his brother says match what he himself believes.

It doesn't really work. There's an alien feeling of warmth and security trying to come to life in him, and all the usual doubt and anger and hopelessness trying to squash it. It's a tumultuous sensation, and he freezes with his hand on the pill bottle he was looking for, his thoughts too scattered to make much sense. It's not safe to feel anything like comfort or happiness. Those things aren't for people like their family. What they were allowed was pride, but he tossed that, so what is this weird thing that's making his chest tighten and his eyes burn only a little less than his cheeks?

Things were a lot more straight forward when they just grouched at each other. It was simpler when they just confirmed each other's self-image. Byakuya had set aside the part of him that wanted to cling a long time ago, so it's really unfair of Shinji to drag it back up now.

He doesn't know what to do, so instead of do anything he just stands there and trembles with the effort not to do anything stupid like cry.]

[ in shinji's mind, this was all byakuya's fault for igniting something in him by confessing he was afraid to die. that's when shinji knew he really needed to do something important. something that actually mattered; not just on a surface level. ]

I don't want you to die, okay? [ it's true. regardless of their strained relationship, shinji isn't so far gone that he wanted byakuya dead. he is a little surprised, however, that he had become this dedicated to his cause. really, he hadn't even noticed it until now. not only did shinji not want byakuya to die, but he wanted byakuya to have a good life. it was going to take a lot more work. ]

I don't want you to be scared or anything like that. [ and he'll keep working no matter what, but sometimes he really needs someone to tell him that he's doing a good job. ]

It's important. [ his resolve on this matter is as stubborn as ever. it's the only thing he's confident in, even though it's really foreign for him to say. ]

[No. No, it won't compute. The pieces don't fit.

But even though it's confusing and terrifying and painful, that warm thing won't go away, either. The feeling of being needed -- specifically him, specifically Byakuya, not just a role he can sort-of-kind-of fill -- can't be denied.

He still doesn't know what to do with it, though. Even if he acknowledges it's there, it's overwhelming and weird.]

Okay...

[His voice is small and shaky. Shinji's saved him from death already, but fear is definitely still the biggest part of him. But he'll try. It's just... a lot.

He thinks he needs to sit down. Right here on the floor. Just sit and breathe and maybe-- yep, yes, he's gotta cry.]

[ this sight isn't unfamiliar to him. in the past he would turn around and walk away, cursing him for not being able to handle himself. it was a mixture of bitterness and jealousy, if only because he didn't feel like he could afford breakdowns like that. all that time he'd thought it was byakuya who had the freedom, when it was actually the other way around.

he watches, sympathy pangs threatening to tear him apart. he's not going to leave him alone this time. he's just going to quietly sit down beside him. he feels awkward, if only because he's never had a conversation like that with anyone, much less with byakuya. he'll keep telling him until he believes it, though. ]

[The whole situation is awkward, honestly. He just doesn't know how to deal with the changes. He's buries himself too deep in his mental routines. It's scary -- but Shinji said he didn't want him to be afraid. But no, that he can't do. He's not sure that's something he can ever give. The thought makes his gut wrench with guilt, and that translates to a less than graceful hiccup.

There is one thing he can do, though. He's not sure it's wanted, but it sure is an urge he's pushed down enough times that letting it happen is a bit like letting oneself stand in traffic. After a little while, he releases some of the tension from his body and half leans, half flops onto Shinji.]

[ shinji hasn't had the same experiences as byakuya -- he hasn't endured what byakuya has. in fact, he doesn't really even know the details of it all. until he does, he'll only see things like this in black and white. and though he is impatient, it isn't like he's asking for this to change overnight.

in fact, he's thinking about it. about how scared byakuya always seems to be, when he (softly) falls onto shinji. he's surprised at first, but quick reflexes gather him upright, off the floor. and just like that, shinji held him close. tightly. just like he had when they were young. byakuya was always scared then, too.

once they'd started going to school, shinji had told him to grow up. he thinks maybe if he hadn't; maybe if he'd just indulged him a while longer it wouldn't still be this bad. ]

You'll be okay. [ he swallows the odd lump in his throat, wondering why his heart is beating so fast. ]

[Okay is not something he has ever remotely considered that he would be.

Still, in defiance of what seems like a given, it feels really nice to be told he will be. It fees nice to have someone else acknowledge that there's something wrong now that means he needs to be okay later. He's hardly been able to deal with that knowledge himself without coating it in "but I tried so I'm cool". And it's just unbelievable to be held like that. There's that weird way he can sense what's going on with Shinji, and it makes this space in his arms feel safe like nowhere has for as long as he can remember.

For now it means he can get it all out. But he doesn't have that much snot in him, so he starts to sniff and wipe his eyes.]

S-sorry...

[ shinji groans under the strain of bruised ribs, pulling byakuya in closer. okay was relative. deep down, shinji wasn't even sure if he was okay. but they could find their own version of okay. they could find it together and make it their ideal. it seemed reasonable enough. even with his heart pounding, he can zero in on byakuya's breathing, its leveling consistency feeling like a reward just for him. he shakes his head when byakuya apologizes, dismissive. not necessary. with an exhale, he rests his chin on the top of byakuya's head for a long pause, before shifting and burying his face in byakuya's hair.

being this close to another person and sharing this sort of moment was really intoxicating. ]

[For him, being that close is a little frightening. He's not the touching sort, and he's acutely aware of every place their bodies meet. But it's his brother, and that makes it okay. He's also aware of the way their hearts beat, and of the way he fits here, no matter how alien it is.

Strange doesn't always have to be bad, right? He's not sure how to do something like hold on in return, but he can slowly relax, resting his face against Shinji's collar and breathing in the smell of disinfectant mingling with his skin.]

This is kinda weird...

[ ah, no. he doesn't hear byakuya. or maybe he's just ignoring him. this feels perfect and shinji doesn't want to give it up. it's as if he hadn't realized until now how much he'd wanted to have someone so close to him and now that he's got it, everything feels right and he shudders thinking about how validating it feels. byakuya is warm against shinji, his breathing delicate, and shinji feels like if byakuya stays right here where he is, that shinji can take good care of him. how could anything hurt him like this? it would be impossible.

kinda weird? more like kind of awesome.
or at least that's what the force of emotions blasting through shinji say.
it could be the pressure from the embarrassment of today's events or even just being a misguided teenage boy, but he's starting to feel pretty resolute about what it is he wants and just how he wants it.

shinji had never seeked physical comfort from another person before. emotional, sure. in the form of fake praise from those he went to school with based on academic or athletic accomplishments or simply because he was a matou and no one wanted to be on his bad side. these types of praise were hollow and temporary and to think of them now would only make shinji feel bitter. but with his brother so close, he's realizing that this is what he's been internally desperately craving all of this time. it's a revelation, to say the least. his head is spinning. he feels drunk with emotion.

he exhales, face sliding down and practically nuzzling into byakuya just above his ear. nope, he's not ready to give up this proximity just yet. ]

[That's a more-than-brotherly gesture for sure. This is all nice, yeah, but it's way closer than he's used to, and Byakuya can't really help ti if his anxiety is running in the background. His face is red, and he curls up more in Shinji's arms. Yeah, it's safe here. It's definitely safe, and he's definitely needed this -- this shoulder to lean on, an anchor in his never-ending sea of fear. But it's embarrassing, too. To think that someone like him is actually needed by someone like Shinji...

It's strange. But he doesn't want to question it too much. Even when he feels like it might cross a line he's not sure he wants it to cross, he should probably just shut up... But then again, maybe Shinji just got hit in the head. Maybe they should step back and breathe.]

Shinji.

[ he did get hit on the head. pretty hard, actually.
but that's neither here nor there, as far as shinji is concerned. he doesn't want to stop; he doesn't want to take a step back. not when he thinks he's so close to getting some peace of mind; there wasn't any time to waste when they were already this close. perhaps he's a little possessed by sensation, or he really did get knocked upside the head stupid, but he's applying his usual strong sense of determination here.

he doesn't notice exactly when his breathing takes on a heavier quality, but it does. somewhere between the internal excitement and the chemical atmosphere, probably. his mouth opens, ghosting over the shell of byakuya's ear before pressing his face into the crook of his neck. with his still open mouth pressed against byakuya's jawline, shinji mumbles something that resembles the other's name. everything in his body language is evident that he's eager to press forward and byakuya's voice catches his ears but sounds miles away.

he starts to shift their position, inevitably ending with shinji straddled over byakuya, but still just as close. ]

[That line he was just thinking about? Yeah, that's crossed. He's not sure how to feel about it, but he's sure that right now one of the biggest things is "too fast". But he doesn't resist falling backwards, and he doesn't say anything else. He just holds his breath and squeezes his eyes shut, trying to sort through all the feelings in his head and decide what the best thing to do would even be.

Their relationship isn't something he can really risk at this point. If he lost Shinji, he'd be pretty much fucked. But it might be better for Shinji that way. Byakuya doesn't want to disappear, but it's okay if it's something he has to do. Right now, it's just a matter of whether or not he has to. If Shinji keeps moving forward like this, it could be something they'll both regret forever. It's wrong. It's something brothers shouldn't ever do.

Whether it's something Byakuya wants to do or not is up in the air and probably unimportant. Whether it's something Shinji's going to hate him for tomorrow is what matters. It's definitely something that they should think about, so he presses the heels of his palms against his brother's shoulders and pushes just hard enough to be clear.]

Hey, wait a minute--

[ pushed upright just enough to look down at byakuya's face, shinji appears dazed, having only been half-ejected from the realm of overeager tunnel vision. he pants, face burning and obviously wanting to continue what they've started. what he's started. no, what they've started. he's not thinking about logistics or morals. he's thinking about body heat and the sounds he could wring out of byakuya if he played his cards just right. it's a while new kingdom of praise for him to frolic in, really, and that combined with the fascination of being way too close, shinji's a little excited. now he sort of gets the impression that byakuya might not be on the same page, however.

that shouldn't be surprising, he is the worrying type, after all.
but with shinji feeling so fixated on him, the corners of his voice can't help but be soaked in impatience. a carnal sort of physicality that rendezvous with lady classmates never seemed to sate and never seemed to last long, given his aggressive nature. "too rough" and "too fast" were always the same complaints until he gave up on them all together. girls didn't know how to have fun at all. but this... this could be so much different. this could be so much better.

staring down at him, obviously worked up, shinji stammers. ]

W-wait... ? [ the opposite of what he wants. which is to be sucking on byakuya's neck, to be completely honest. ]

That's taking it a little too far, isn't it...?

[Of course, Byakuya has to second-guess. The only time he ever hasn't gone in circles was that time Shinji dragged him to a delinquent party and he got drunk, and that time he was just really manic until he passed out. That time, he withdrew even more the next day, and then went right back to his usual neuroses.

So this concern is nothing new.]

Y'know, most people would call you gross for even this much.

[ in a lot of ways, shinji is simple. he wants something and he takes it, or works hard to obtain it. there's never been a time when he stopped to consider whether or not if it was right or wrong, because if it was something that he desired then there was no way it could possibly be "wrong". if anyone else had a different opinion on the matter, it wasn't his problem. it wouldn't even come up on his radar, really. so when he looks down at byakuya, his face scrunches up a little while he considers what he's said. ]

Do you think it's gross? [ byakuya's opinion, shinji realizes, is the only one aside from his own that he would bother to consider. ]

I think it's incest and that's pretty weird.

[Despite the fact that Shinji functions better in it than he does, Byakuya is starting to think that maybe he's actually the one who's more aware of the world around them. It's not that it feels bad, it's that there's a sense in his gut that this is bad thing, morally abhorrent, and something they should stop.

Just because it's comfortable on one level doesn't mean it's not going to leave them (him, at least), uncomfortable on a lot of other levels.]

If you're sexually frustrated, we'll find you somebody when your face isn't messed up.

[ the concept of family is a detached one, to say the least. they didn't come from a normal family; shinji had no concept of actual familial emotional relationships. while in their youngest years they connected in a more organic, family way, after the strain and estrangement that had been endured until this point it all seemed a little fuzzy and disconnected. byakuya was a comrade. byakuya was a living, breathing fountain of confidence for shinji. whatever byakuya couldn't do, shinji could. it made him feel invincible, really. in the most delusional, childish ways possible. it wasn't as if he'd planned for this situation to develop, but it had happened and he didn't appear to take any issue with following up on it. he was a person of impulse, after all and this, at least to shinji, felt as if it had occurred naturally enough.

he wrinkles his nose at byakuya's tone and suggestion, still in enough of a heated daze to look him over as if he was a piece of meat. ]

You didn't answer my question.

The way you're looking at me right now is gross.

[It makes him feel small, and a little subhuman. Like one of the specimens in the basement, something Zouken's familiars dragged in that he was expected to practice on. A strange bug or a transient bum -- they were things either way, to do with as was wanted or required.

Maybe it's not quite like that, but it feels similar. Does Shinji want him because it's him, or because he makes Shinji feel important? Is it because there's any value in Byakuya himself, or because Byakuya's dull and tarnished existence leave Shinji looking bright and valuable in comparison? Or maybe it's just as simple as it seemed. Because Byakuya is too weak to reach out to anyone else, he can only rely on his brother. That means that no matter what, Shinji is the one and only thing that he has. Essentially, he can't ever leave Shinji, and he can't ever outshine him.

That's that feels gross, more than anything. It's the knowledge that their relationship is always twisted enough that this would just be another layer of shit on the shit cake. And it's the strange feeling that they're hovering on a ledge right now, and if that happens -- if they become like that, it might just be enough to push them over, into a dark place that neither of them will ever be able to escape (and maybe that only Byakuya will ever want to).]

[ with a frustrated sigh, shinji retreats to settling down beside him. ultimately, despite his adrenaline inspired rush of physical urgency, he's in pain and probably suffering from a concussion. the point of this daring rescue of his was so that byakuya wouldn't cry anymore, so making him cry, even in his hazy state, was obviously a no-go. backing down wasn't exactly something he was familiar with, so it's treated like the elephant in the room. possibly next to the other elephant that represents his previous attempt at incest. whatever. just because he isn't on top of byakuya anymore doesn't mean he isn't close, however.

deep down, he wants byakuya because he's byakuya. while there hasn't been any great conscious reveal of this, since the day he took him away from fuyuki these sorts of feelings have been developing. silently, and patiently until now. shinji hadn't realized, he simply wants what he wants. he's frowning now, as much as one can with one decent eye left. there is most certainly value in byakuya beyond the validation he feels in himself, but not really any other way for shinji to articulate it. physicality, at the time, seemed like a decent way to cross that bridge. ]

M'not gross. [ the very tips of his speech start to slur, just another reminder of the day's failure. further proof that neither of them were great at anything and they were more alike than either of them would ever want. he tucks himself into byakuya's shoulder as they lie there on the dirty floor, insistent and stubborn. his good eye keeps threatening to close; his body threatening to sleep now that he isn't actively trying to get into his brother's pants.

both of which are and were bad ideas, for a variety of reasons. ]

Yeah, yeah. You're just Shinji.

[And Shinji is not in great condition right now. But Byakuya's not sure what to do about that, other than to worry. Is it okay for Shinji to sleep? How badly hurt is he, after all? But if he can't sleep, when can he? And what is Byakuya supposed to do in the meantime?

He doesn't know the answer to those questions. He also doesn't know what to do about the weird way that, even though he was afraid a moment ago, and even though he's sure he wanted it to stop there, he still feels a little bit empty when Shinji isn't right there in his space. It's good that he stays close, and Byakuya scoots even closer to watch him.]

You sure you shouldn't go to the hospital?

You have to give your name at the hospital -- [ he mumbles. and honestly, despite everything, if he was sharp enough to remember that he'll probably be okay. just make sure he doesn't start puking his guts out, maybe? and he'll probably feel like shit tomorrow, for multiple reasons. either way, he would probably take a hundred more blows to the head for byakuya's sake. having a purpose is pretty cool, even if it hurts like a bitch sometimes. ] S'fine.

[ byakuya probably couldn't get him away from being at least a little close, and especially not right now. brow knitting as he grumbles, he shifts position once more against the floor boards. ]

Hospital sucks anyways.

I guess...

[He sighs, pressing his face against Shinji's shoulder for a moment before sitting up suddenly with a yawn. The closeness is nice, but the floor's a bad idea.]

Let's go to bed, then.

[Shinji can take that as a compliment. Byakuya almost never sleeps. Usually he hangs around awake until he falls asleep in the middle of something, and then only dozes fitfully. "Going to bed" is a rare and unusual sign of relaxation.]

[ lucky you, byakuya. shinji has just enough dexterity to crawl into the bottom bunk, where he's fully intent on staying. though he grumbles and complains as he pulls himself off the floor, even the thin mattress underneath him feels worlds better. aching and dizziness from the night's events are settling in and he feels like maybe he could sleep for several days.

mumbling while he pulls off his lightly blood stained shirt, he opens his good eye. ]

You gonna sleep, too?

[ shinji had sort of hoped that byakuya at least slept during the day while he was gone. he wasn't a very deep sleeper and woke up frequently, almost always seeing byakuya sitting around with a book or looking out the window. the rings around his eyes told shinji that byakuya didn't really get enough rest, but he still hoped that maybe he would. despite not being great at it, shinji likes sleep. even when he has a shitty dream, it can't be worse than having a shitty day, right?

he rolls over, allowing byakuya some more space on the mattress.
this is also something they haven't done in a really long time. ]

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