streetwalkers | YAN-PARA au master post

[Ah...]

Eventually I'd move on. But that doesn't mean you've gotta do it.

It's the only way I can think of to protect you.

[...he doesn't think he needs that protection - he never has. But Cu also knows how much Diarmuid clings to him, to the idea of keeping him safe, and to the thought that he can still protect something. He doesn't want to take that away from Diarmuid by being flippant, but, well, when "protect" involves something he doesn't want and doesn't think is necessary...]

We'll need to figure out something else, then.

[This is his cue to go quiet. He doesn't want to argue about it, but a large part of him has already made up his mind. A few months ago he was okay with the certain knowledge that one day he'll be the death of Cu. Now he's gotten too comfortable with this life to want to see that end. Since it's "inevitable", it might just be better to gather the scraps of pride he has left and go face his demons alone. It'd be just like all the tragic storybook knights he used to idolize as a kid.

It hasn't occurred to him that not asking for reassurance and direction is out of character enough to stick out like a sore thumb.]

[For several uncomfortable moments, Cu stares at the boat instruments, keeping an eye out for nothing, trying to piece together how to handle this without stomping on Diarmuid's pride. This sort of delicacy is beyond him, but it also seems necessary, and he sort of hates that.

Shit was easier before he knew about everything that happened, when they were both pretending they were just old friends who hadn't seen each other in a while. But it hadn't occurred to him to miss that sort of bliss in ignorance until he was faced with the possibility of seeing Diarmuid resign himself -- if it weren't for that, he's certain he'd be okay keeping on like this, fighting as hard as he could.]

...hey. Don't just give up on me, got it?

...It'd be okay. Like you've said, you're not the type to dwell on things for too long.

[Cu was never bothered by facts like that much, mostly because they were true and he didn't care. He's fucked around with girls and he's pissed them all off, and he's not so heartless that he didn't care that he hurt people, but nothing was important enough to linger. He'd just move on, try to do better, fuck up a little less, and repeat the process.

That was it. That was all, and it was okay.

Losing Diarmuid isn't okay. He doesn't like the idea of forgetting about Diarmuid a second time, not when he knows now what could happen and what has already happened. Maybe Diarmuid was crazy, saying he didn't look hard enough, but he can't claim ignorance anymore. He can't leave someone he loves to surrender themselves to that.]

Yeah, and that's why you can't just take off. I'll get over it, and it wouldn't be fair.

That's fine. I'd like it better if everyone could forget about me and be happy.

[He wants to yell, and it's obvious how hard he's pushing back that flare of anger]

Hey, weren't you mad I forgot last time? What's so different now?

[This is probably the most open (and heartbreaking) moment he'll ever have with Cu. He knows it probably sounds crazy, but unlike everything else that comes out of his mouth he's 100% sure that this part is sane. If it seems like it's not, that's just a sign of how warped his existence really is.]

...I got to be happy myself, for a little while.

Edited 2013-07-22 08:51 (UTC)

[...more than anything, he wants Diarmuid to be happy. That's what all this is about, right? The chance to keep him happy. Hearing that? Well, doesn't it mean they're halfway there?

He's still angry, realizing Diarmuid would give up halfway there. He wants to just vent it all at once and scream and shake him by the shoulders and demand they just pick up and keep running. He knows he can't do all that, but the pressure of all these emotions is something he's not entirely equipped to handle.

...so he throws his arms around Diarmuid, like that simple action could keep him here.]

THen don't fucking let go of that!

[He doesn't know what to do with that, really. He freezes up on contact, blank surprise evident enough in his posture that one doesn't need to see it on his face. Cu isn't usually that emotional. Even when they were fighting and when Diarmuid was pinwheeling between violently angry and hysterically distraught, there wasn't that much in his voice.

Hearing it and feeling it just reminds him exactly how much he's gained -- and how much he's bound to lose. Even if he doesn't quit now, it's only a matter of time. He's sure the damage is done, and even if he himself doesn't do the deed, the lifestyle they all live will. It could be an assassination, a fit of Diarmuid's hallucinations gone wrong, or just a slippery deck in the rain. The longer he holds on, the more he opens himself to the eventuality of losing Cu. When he does, he's sure he'll lose what's left of his mind.

But that's not easy to articulate, so after a few moments of stunned silence he returns the embrace. His isn't desperate -- it's the gentle reassurance given to a child struggling with the most basic truths of reality. It's the sort of hug that says "there there, that's just how the world is". His tone of voice matches it entirely. The affection is unmistakable, but so is the complete lack of hope. But it's clear from the way he's talking that he isn't just considering going off to turn himself in. He has every intention of dying, and that's something he's wholly accepting.]

It's okay... I've already gotten everything I ever wanted.

[Cu knows stubbornness. He's living with some of the most stubborn people in the world for a good chunk of his life, never mind his own tendencies.

He's less acquainted with resignation, though he's heard it in Archer's voice those few times their tipsy, late night conversations drifted towards things like being 'truly happy' or having a family. On those nights Archer spoke of being content, of being fine with their life now, but in that tone of voice that said he had wanted more once, but had given up.

That sort of shit didn't register entirely in Cu's mind, and he'd just steamrolled over that subtle emotion with stupid shit about how this life was great, how they'd makes names for themselves, how maybe one day they'd be so untouchable that they wouldn't need to sneak around on a tiny little boat. He never meant to be an ass, it's just that maybe he's more of a romantic than he looks and he isn't good at giving up on things like happiness and sex and fighting.

But he can't just laugh over Diarmuid now because he realizes that resignation means he's going to lose something that's snuck into his dumb dreams and nestled itself neatly between his plans for a nicer boat and the thought that one day he might be infamous for something.

And maybe it's just his being selfish again, not wanting to give that up, even if Diarmuid says he's satisfied, but he can't just leave it like this...]

I'm still gonna try and stop you, you know.

Mm. That attitude is what makes you the person I love.

[Above anything else, that love is the most important thing in Diarmuid's life. From childhood puppylove to teenage infatuation to tormented long and on to the easy affection they have now, loving Cu has been a fixture in his life for as long as he can remember. The fact that it's ended up the way he dreamed (or as close to it as he can get now) is something he'll be eternally grateful for.

But he can't linger on it anymore right now. There isn't time for that, when they're being pursued. Soon they'll be too far from town for an easy return, so despite how much he wants to linger in Cu's arms he knows this is all they've got.]

I'll have to demand a head start, though. I'm sorry.

[To his credit, he keeps a faint smile on his face when he goes to kiss Cu's forehead. It might be the last they ever see of each other, after all. To his regret, he's got to knock Cu out with a quick and expert jab.]

[He honestly didn't expect Diarmuid to leave so quickly.

In hindsight, he should have known how urgent the situation was. He should have expected it - when he wakes up, he has no idea how long he's been out or how much of a headstart Diarmuid has. Doesn't matter. He reverses course without a second thought and storms back upstairs to swear and then scream at the Emiyas that they shouldn't ask.

They won't need to. It's obvious, really, and when they get close enough to town he throws the boat keys at Archer's head, barks something about picking up and running if they really have to, and takes off without saying much more.

Stupid Emiyas can have the fucking boat if they want it, he just needs to try and stop Diarmuid from whatever it is he's going to do because Cu goes down fighting, every time.]

[It's only been an hour or so, but that's long enough. To get to a dilapidated warehouse on the uninhabitable edges of town where garbage is dumped. To make a show of turning himself in. To surprise the whole room with his (to them) sudden ability to throw off his training and fight back.

He hasn't fought back in years. The difference now is that he has all the skills they wouldn't teach him until he was in their pocket. And there's a clarity to knowing exactly where he's going. For the first time in a long time, he isn't afraid. Oh, he's afraid of death in itself. He knows he'll be afraid when everything starts to fade. But he isn't afraid of them, or of what he has to do, and that gives him a deadly edge.

Cu can find the place by the blood trail. Maybe he let them shoot him once first on purpose. It puts up the show of a "weak" will to resist, after all. And maybe, just maybe, a small part of him wants Cu to come find him in time like he never did before. There might be a voice inside of him that he's ignoring begging for rescue he doesn't think he should have.

But that doesn't matter much, does it? Everyone's dead by the time Cu gets there. There are bodies strewn across the warehouse and outside the front doors; some dismembered, some efficiently cut with one strike. The man who trained him is on the floor in pieces. He lingered on that one despite himself, and that's why he had to run so far from the back door to get his mistress. She had time to flee. But the blood trails are thicker there, and by the end of them the blood is pooling.

Three last bodyguards with their throats slit.

A beautiful woman with a knife in her heart.

Her murderer slumped half on top of her, bleeding from dozens of wounds. It's hard to tell much much is his, but it has to be quite a bit. But unlike everyone else in this nightmare scene, he's still breathing.]

[It's luck and the fact that Cu's trade is nearly as shady that helps him find that first slick of blood on the ground. Truth be told, he didn't know what the trail would lead him to, it could have been anyone's blood, but for once luck is on his side.

He runs all the way there, panic giving way to something like disgusted hope when he sees the first body. Yeah, he's heard about how bad some of the killings had been, right down to the gory details. He knows what it could look like, and Cu doesn't have the time to regret being encouraged by the sight.

Diarmuid fought back. And maybe he didn't go to die. Maybe he decided to fix it.

Maybe--

When he finally makes it to the back of that warehouse and sees Diarmuid lying there, he's too caught up in his tunnel vision to be disgusted by anything he sees. The only thing in his mind is that oh god he's breathing, oh god save him save him save him--

Cu doesn't know where to start with the hasty first aid, so he presses his hand to the biggest wound in his range of vision and shouts]

Diarmuid! Hey!

[For a moment, there's no response. But the sharp pressure on that bullet hole in his side is enough to jerk some consciousness back into him.

He wasn't expecting to wake up. He'd already willed himself to sleep. At first his brain decides that the jolt is his body refusing to let him go without further suffering. It hurts. Ithurtsithurts everything hurts and he's scared and he just wanted to black it out. He can't focus enough to recognise that someone else is there.

So when he takes a startled, gasping breath, the first thing he does with it is sob an agonized "no, don't--" and start to cry.]

Sorry, I gotta get some of it to stop.

[Cu's reply is relieved, scared, and apologetic all at once. That's a lot of blood. Those are a lot of wounds. He didn't have the foresight to grab any first aid before he took off, but... but he's helping somehow, right? Diarmuid's been through this shit, right?]

Just bear with it for a bit more...

[He's been through a lot of shit. Pain beyond this? Yes. But it's not the raw pain that's getting him so much as the knowledge that these are life-threatening injuries. It's that he's terrified of having to watch the world slip away, and sure that it's going to. That just makes everything worse, and learning to tolerate doesn't mean he doesn't feel it as keenly as anyone else.

His left arm works well enough to allow him to grip Cu's wrist, but he doesn't have the strength to stop him from moving that hand if he will. Still, his nails dig in and the sound his makes when he squirms is a low, tortured thing.]

Stop-- Let me--

[But suddenly, the smell of Cu's tobacco cuts the blur, and he finally opens his eyes enough to focus.]

...Cu?

Hey. You got one hell of a head start, huh...?

[Man, there's a lot of blood. Like a whole lot. And as that feeling of hope subsides, Cu realizes he's scared.]

Sorry it didn't do you more good - I was real focused, finding you.

You really looked for me...?

[He looks surprised at that, not sure hot to process it. He's been so wrapped up all his old issues today that somehow it seemed odd that Cu would try hard and show up. But he'd hoped he would, hadn't he? Because he knows now how much of Diarmuid's pain comes from loneliness.

That makes him really happy. But he's also pretty sure it won't save him at this point.]

But... You're too late.

Hey, don't give me that! You're still breathing, aren't ya?

[panic? Mild panic. Oh god. What do?]

Can you get up?

[A pause]

...er, probably not, so...

Mm. I think I'm going numb...

[It's certainly not something a little first aid with no equipment will fix. He needs serious medical attention or he'll really die. But that's okay. This is what he wanted.

Even though he can't keep the fear out of his voice or expression.]

Did you know, I... I'm not hallucinating anything. Isn't that kind of scary?

Isn't that the opposite of crazy....?

[TRYING.... PRETTY DAMN HARD NOT TO LOOK TOO WORRIED. HERE LET'S TRY TO PICK YOU UP DIARMUID WE'LL JUST FIND A PLACE TO GET YOU TAKEN CARE OF IT'LL BE OKAY, YEAH TOTALLY...]

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject