YAN-PARA au master post

[earthflames]

WHAT IT SAYS ON THE BOX.

Comments

[beautymark]

Mm. So I had to save him. He was being stubborn, so I couldn't leave him behind at all.

[erank]

You should't let him forget that, got it?

[beautymark]

I don't intend to.

[erank]

That's the spirit! Archer might act like an jerk, but he knows he's gotta pay his debts. If you saved his ass, I bet you could get him to play nice for a while.

[beautymark]

He doesn't know what nice is.

[erank]

[PFFFFFT.

Yeah, he can't help but laugh at that]

Well, yeah, I guess you've got a point there!

[beautymark]

Maybe I really should make him walk home on his own next time.

[erank]

Probably! It's not like he's going to die any time soon or anything.

[beautymark]

... [aand Shirou yelling in the other room just reminds him:]

He nearly did today.

[erank]

...well he didn't and that's what counts, right?

[beautymark]

I--

[glances back towards the main room]

Can I ask you something?

[erank]

Sure, whatever you want.

[Bad feeling? Bad feeling.\

[beautymark]

Would you be okay if I disappeared?

[erank]

[Ah...]

Eventually I'd move on. But that doesn't mean you've gotta do it.

[beautymark]

It's the only way I can think of to protect you.

[erank]

[...he doesn't think he needs that protection - he never has. But Cu also knows how much Diarmuid clings to him, to the idea of keeping him safe, and to the thought that he can still protect something. He doesn't want to take that away from Diarmuid by being flippant, but, well, when "protect" involves something he doesn't want and doesn't think is necessary...]

We'll need to figure out something else, then.

[beautymark]

[This is his cue to go quiet. He doesn't want to argue about it, but a large part of him has already made up his mind. A few months ago he was okay with the certain knowledge that one day he'll be the death of Cu. Now he's gotten too comfortable with this life to want to see that end. Since it's "inevitable", it might just be better to gather the scraps of pride he has left and go face his demons alone. It'd be just like all the tragic storybook knights he used to idolize as a kid.

It hasn't occurred to him that not asking for reassurance and direction is out of character enough to stick out like a sore thumb.]

[erank]

[For several uncomfortable moments, Cu stares at the boat instruments, keeping an eye out for nothing, trying to piece together how to handle this without stomping on Diarmuid's pride. This sort of delicacy is beyond him, but it also seems necessary, and he sort of hates that.

Shit was easier before he knew about everything that happened, when they were both pretending they were just old friends who hadn't seen each other in a while. But it hadn't occurred to him to miss that sort of bliss in ignorance until he was faced with the possibility of seeing Diarmuid resign himself -- if it weren't for that, he's certain he'd be okay keeping on like this, fighting as hard as he could.]

...hey. Don't just give up on me, got it?

[beautymark]

...It'd be okay. Like you've said, you're not the type to dwell on things for too long.

[erank]

[Cu was never bothered by facts like that much, mostly because they were true and he didn't care. He's fucked around with girls and he's pissed them all off, and he's not so heartless that he didn't care that he hurt people, but nothing was important enough to linger. He'd just move on, try to do better, fuck up a little less, and repeat the process.

That was it. That was all, and it was okay.

Losing Diarmuid isn't okay. He doesn't like the idea of forgetting about Diarmuid a second time, not when he knows now what could happen and what has already happened. Maybe Diarmuid was crazy, saying he didn't look hard enough, but he can't claim ignorance anymore. He can't leave someone he loves to surrender themselves to that.]

Yeah, and that's why you can't just take off. I'll get over it, and it wouldn't be fair.

[beautymark]

That's fine. I'd like it better if everyone could forget about me and be happy.

[erank]

[He wants to yell, and it's obvious how hard he's pushing back that flare of anger]

Hey, weren't you mad I forgot last time? What's so different now?

[beautymark]

[This is probably the most open (and heartbreaking) moment he'll ever have with Cu. He knows it probably sounds crazy, but unlike everything else that comes out of his mouth he's 100% sure that this part is sane. If it seems like it's not, that's just a sign of how warped his existence really is.]

...I got to be happy myself, for a little while.

[erank]

[...more than anything, he wants Diarmuid to be happy. That's what all this is about, right? The chance to keep him happy. Hearing that? Well, doesn't it mean they're halfway there?

He's still angry, realizing Diarmuid would give up halfway there. He wants to just vent it all at once and scream and shake him by the shoulders and demand they just pick up and keep running. He knows he can't do all that, but the pressure of all these emotions is something he's not entirely equipped to handle.

...so he throws his arms around Diarmuid, like that simple action could keep him here.]

THen don't fucking let go of that!

[beautymark]

[He doesn't know what to do with that, really. He freezes up on contact, blank surprise evident enough in his posture that one doesn't need to see it on his face. Cu isn't usually that emotional. Even when they were fighting and when Diarmuid was pinwheeling between violently angry and hysterically distraught, there wasn't that much in his voice.

Hearing it and feeling it just reminds him exactly how much he's gained -- and how much he's bound to lose. Even if he doesn't quit now, it's only a matter of time. He's sure the damage is done, and even if he himself doesn't do the deed, the lifestyle they all live will. It could be an assassination, a fit of Diarmuid's hallucinations gone wrong, or just a slippery deck in the rain. The longer he holds on, the more he opens himself to the eventuality of losing Cu. When he does, he's sure he'll lose what's left of his mind.

But that's not easy to articulate, so after a few moments of stunned silence he returns the embrace. His isn't desperate -- it's the gentle reassurance given to a child struggling with the most basic truths of reality. It's the sort of hug that says "there there, that's just how the world is". His tone of voice matches it entirely. The affection is unmistakable, but so is the complete lack of hope. But it's clear from the way he's talking that he isn't just considering going off to turn himself in. He has every intention of dying, and that's something he's wholly accepting.]

It's okay... I've already gotten everything I ever wanted.