Matou Byakuya // 間桐鶴野 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
didnteventry) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
streetwalkers2012-09-17 02:03 am
didnteventry) wrote in streetwalkers2012-09-17 02:03 amTRAINWRECK AU MASTER POST
[FOR THIS THING YEAH.]
didnteventry) wrote in streetwalkers2012-09-17 02:03 am
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[It's said with no outward emotion, but there's definitely spite behind it. He won't let himself get angry, but a little cold reality is fair.
He knows the way he's headed. He used to think he was looking at another few decades of slow descent into liver failure, but that's changed. Since the day Kirei told him he had a "violent expiration date", he's gradually become aware that that assessment is accurate. He's living right now because he can't give up on Shinji. He's already given up on any other dream of something worth holding onto.
Maybe Kariya won't take him seriously. Maybe he won't care if he does -- and why should he? But Byakuya hopes that it strikes Kariya that the boy who held his hand when he could barely toddle and stubbornly walked ahead of him has turned into a man who stands alone so far behind he's very nearly disappeared from view.]
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[It's quiet, tone barely changing, but the rebuke is there. He's looking back at Byakuya now, steady gaze without anger but refusing to let the matter pass. Kariya doesn't care whatever thorny retorts Byakuya wants to lob his way, but just as with Kirei, there are certain lines that are better not crossed.
He wants them all to live. He's quietly let go of a great deal -- perhaps it's a Matou thing -- crushed childish hopes back into the depths of his heart; but that just means Kariya will fight for what he's got left to the bitter end. It doesn't matter if he's got allies in the battle. Very little actually matters, because...
Don't be an idiot, he wants to say, the Grail isn't a joke. If we've survived the Grail War like the insects we are, you don't get to throw that away.
He can't, because it's not something that should concern those who weren't there. It's a problem entirely of the world of magi, and he won't share it, especially here.]
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In his head, it's clear. His life is a clock counting down to the day the weight becomes too much to carry. He's already discarded everything but fatherhood -- he's not even remotely existing for himself. But really, is that surprising in someone who already leans heavily on the slow suicide of liquor just to function?]
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There's always that distance, somehow, when he reaches out. Some days, he thinks it's the curse of adulthood. Maybe, as soon as you pass a certain age, it becomes impossible to repair bridges. He doesn't know what giving up would entail, though -- they're stuck with each other.
A long, careful stretch with minimal wincing -- the bandages are secure, something productive has happened -- before he stands, feeling steadier but also kind of hollow.]
I'll make breakfast, you should try to get some sleep.
[Hey, since returning from single-apartment bachelor life, he's at least learned how to do something other than boil water and eggs! It's a rare day off, let's put that to use.]
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[For normal adults, there may well be a way to cross even this kind of gap. For these two, there may still be a glimmer of hope. They've established that they don't hate each other. They've learned to work together.
But Byakuya established his sense of self as "alone" at a very young age. It's just the way he views the world. He's alone, and all he wants is to be satisfied, so it's everyone else's fault if he isn't. Because he's alone, his inability to be valued by others is both natural and not his fault. The unfortunate side effect is that he can't imagine this status quo ever being upset.
It isn't that he rejects Kariya's attempts to reach for him. It's simply that he doesn't notice them at all. According to his world view, they can't exist. He's alone, and he can't do anything to change anything. That's just the only reality he can see.
It's with genuine obliviousness that he closes the first aid kit and gets stiffly off the floor. As always he wraps his hopelessness around him like a hood and cloak, only right now he's wrapped it so tight there isn't a bit of his usual nerves to be seen.]
Clean up the blood where you can.
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[... This is probably only a joke in the Matou household, because nowhere else would it be a milder substitute for 'no worms in the soup today, don't worry!'. Kariya tries for a last awkward smile before he heads for the kitchen, even though Byakuya probably won't see it.
That's the problem with being adults -- they're trapped in the roles they've built for themselves, that have been built for them, and no matter how much he might want to... He can't reach someone who doesn't want his help. He can only do the best he knows how, toeing the line in the sand he's drawn for himself.
(He both has and hasn't learned his lesson from Aoi. He doesn't regret it -- but regret dogs him anyway; he refuses to give a name to it.)]
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It wasn't that bad, after all. Still, that short exchange of words with Kariya is going to stick in him like a thorn -- quite possibly the rest of his life.]