Matou Byakuya // 間桐鶴野 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
didnteventry) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
streetwalkers2012-09-17 02:03 am
didnteventry) wrote in streetwalkers2012-09-17 02:03 amTRAINWRECK AU MASTER POST
[FOR THIS THING YEAH.]
didnteventry) wrote in streetwalkers2012-09-17 02:03 am
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[For normal adults, there may well be a way to cross even this kind of gap. For these two, there may still be a glimmer of hope. They've established that they don't hate each other. They've learned to work together.
But Byakuya established his sense of self as "alone" at a very young age. It's just the way he views the world. He's alone, and all he wants is to be satisfied, so it's everyone else's fault if he isn't. Because he's alone, his inability to be valued by others is both natural and not his fault. The unfortunate side effect is that he can't imagine this status quo ever being upset.
It isn't that he rejects Kariya's attempts to reach for him. It's simply that he doesn't notice them at all. According to his world view, they can't exist. He's alone, and he can't do anything to change anything. That's just the only reality he can see.
It's with genuine obliviousness that he closes the first aid kit and gets stiffly off the floor. As always he wraps his hopelessness around him like a hood and cloak, only right now he's wrapped it so tight there isn't a bit of his usual nerves to be seen.]
Clean up the blood where you can.
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[... This is probably only a joke in the Matou household, because nowhere else would it be a milder substitute for 'no worms in the soup today, don't worry!'. Kariya tries for a last awkward smile before he heads for the kitchen, even though Byakuya probably won't see it.
That's the problem with being adults -- they're trapped in the roles they've built for themselves, that have been built for them, and no matter how much he might want to... He can't reach someone who doesn't want his help. He can only do the best he knows how, toeing the line in the sand he's drawn for himself.
(He both has and hasn't learned his lesson from Aoi. He doesn't regret it -- but regret dogs him anyway; he refuses to give a name to it.)]
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It wasn't that bad, after all. Still, that short exchange of words with Kariya is going to stick in him like a thorn -- quite possibly the rest of his life.]