[He'd like it if Cu could fix it, too. He'd like it if all of the problems could be neatly bound up and packaged and dealt with in a single simple solution. But it isn't like that. There are issues upon issues, a million pains and worries and terrible memories that tangle up and tendril out into almost every aspect of Diarmuid's life. Trying to get the in order is harder than controlling a herd of cats, and sometimes he despairs of ever being consistently happy again.
Cu is a big help just by being there, of course. Their good times are the best in D's recent memory, and the other man has become essential to keeping him going. Right now, though, even that feels a little bleak. He's at emotional rock bottom in this moment, and it shows in how he refuses to return Cu's physical affection the way he usually does. He's just withdrawing, curling til he's as small as possible and beginning to pull his weight away from his lover's shoulder and back to himself.]
I don't know if anything can fix it. Even if you say it's not my fault -- that doesn't make sense. It wouldn't keep happening if it wasn't anything to do with me. And since I don't know what it is I can't stop it, so it'll just keep happening.
I've tried really hard to do well by everyone, but I can't. I can't do it anymore. It hurts too much.
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[He'd like it if Cu could fix it, too. He'd like it if all of the problems could be neatly bound up and packaged and dealt with in a single simple solution. But it isn't like that. There are issues upon issues, a million pains and worries and terrible memories that tangle up and tendril out into almost every aspect of Diarmuid's life. Trying to get the in order is harder than controlling a herd of cats, and sometimes he despairs of ever being consistently happy again.
Cu is a big help just by being there, of course. Their good times are the best in D's recent memory, and the other man has become essential to keeping him going. Right now, though, even that feels a little bleak. He's at emotional rock bottom in this moment, and it shows in how he refuses to return Cu's physical affection the way he usually does. He's just withdrawing, curling til he's as small as possible and beginning to pull his weight away from his lover's shoulder and back to himself.]
I don't know if anything can fix it. Even if you say it's not my fault -- that doesn't make sense. It wouldn't keep happening if it wasn't anything to do with me. And since I don't know what it is I can't stop it, so it'll just keep happening.
I've tried really hard to do well by everyone, but I can't. I can't do it anymore. It hurts too much.