Matou Byakuya // 間桐鶴野 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
didnteventry) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
streetwalkers2013-08-04 12:44 am
didnteventry) wrote in streetwalkers2013-08-04 12:44 amROLESWAP AU MASTER POST
[a post for this au!]
didnteventry) wrote in streetwalkers2013-08-04 12:44 am
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...Either way, he should probably go. So he doesn't apologize. He just turns to walk away.]
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...wait.
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[He doesn't really want to leave. In fact, it's the last thing he wants. But he's afraid of the consequences of staying, so he won't even look at Gil in the face right now.]
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You promised...! You can't just leave because you're scared of him or me or anyone else! I-If you did, I...
[He punctuates the thought with a laugh, bitter and nervous and out of sorts]
I couldn't do it. I wouldn't have anyone to stop me from--
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[He spits those words, mocking. Anger, fear, sadness, he tries to push all of that back by going spiteful and cold again - he wants desperately to prove Tokiomi wrong somehow, for his ego or for his own sanity, he's not sure which, because how dare he]
I won't mourn you before I have to!
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[But if Gil's going to be that aggressive about it, maybe it really is too late. And maybe Tokiomi doesn't know how to handle that. The coldness hurts, but he doesn't want to be the source of Gil's collapse, either.
But he doesn't have to stay and let it spiral, and if Gil's going to be cruel that's just another reason to go, isn't it?]
If you're going to talk down to me, that's proof I should leave.
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He drops Tokiomi's wrist and turns away.]
Very well, then you may leave!
[His voice is trembling, just a little, stretched thin and tight over the strength and number of the emotions he's choking back]
I'd decided to depend on you, but if you choose cowardice over your own word, then I can't call you worthy enough to stand at my side!
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[But it's too hard to leave when you sound like that.]
Be honest with yourself, at least.
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[He knows how much he hates this - that's all that should matter. After that, he'll put the walls back up and go right back to where he started, alone amongst the unworthy.
When it's all said and done, he'll break something before going to tear some other servant to pieces, there's no doubt about that. He'll take out his hurt the best way he knows how, but he has no intention of openly showing his wounds to Tokiomi now. Not when he feels like his show of true honesty was betrayed]
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[Well, he can't really argue with that. He's the one who said he was going to stay, and then said he was going to leave.
But really, he's just afraid. He's scared of being the reason Gil falls apart, by going now or by going later. He's scared of being vulnerable by loving someone. He's scared of having to say goodbye again, but he's also scared of dying all over again in general.
When he thinks about it, the scariest thing of all might be dying alone again, having betrayed people he cares about. But he's not sure what he's supposed to do about that now, so he just stands there with his hands balled into fists so tight his nails cut his palms (and wishes it wasn't a double-edged sword that he's solid enough for them to do so).]
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At the same time, he's annoyed that Tokiomi just won't finish it and insists on prolonging Gilgamesh's collapse. Get out and leave him to the tantrum he very much needs.]
Aren't you leaving? You were so intent a few moments ago.
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He'd wanted to hang on to Tokiomi, to make sure he didn't lose himself completely to that. But if his hold on all that was going to crumble, then there was no point in agonizing over the inevitable fall.]
I told you already - I'd just be back where I started. That includes my plans to take this on my own. It won't be anything out of the ordinary.
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[And what in the world is Tokiomi supposed to do about that?]
...I wanted to go so that wouldn't happen. But if you're already that far gone, there's no point, is there? And I--
[It's really inelegant to let his voice crack. Really, really inelegant. But it's kind of out of control. In all these 40 years, he's never had a moment where he's had to confront what he felt when he died.]
I am afraid. But it's not of you or Kariya.
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Then you're scared of dying, right? Why participate in the war at all, if that's the case? If you just look at the numbers, the odds of survival are terribly low, you should know that already! Are you a fool to force yourself through something you can't weather a second time?
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[He snaps, defensive and feeling cornered.]
I died a long time ago, Gil! I only still exist now because I wanted to fight, knowing I'd disappear! If it's just ceasing to exist, I can do that any time, even if it's a little frightening. I'm scared of dying alone.
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But it's only for a second, before he covers it with the same cool grace he had when they first met.]
...Then you're really unworthy of your wish, aren't you?
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It is...
And so he goes quiet for a moment, trying to remind himself that he doesn't want to go to pieces just to terrify Tokiomi. He didn't want to lose him, right? So isn't it strange that he's driving towards just that, as well?
...you can do it, Gilgamesh. You can put your foot down and think this through rationally.]
...that's what I feared. That's what I wanted to prevent. If you weren't here, I don't think I could do it.
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Then I can't leave. ...And I'm sorry.
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[He goes to take Tokiomi's hand to keep him close]
You'll just have to promise you'll help prop me up
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But close is good. He'll even lean in and rest their foreheads together because hey. The word love has been used.]
Of course. As long as I'm able to, I won't let you fall.
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