YAN-PARA au master post

[earthflames]

WHAT IT SAYS ON THE BOX.

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[beautymark]

But if you left I'd be alone again!

[He's trying to make sense. He's trying to be fair, but he can't help but be terrified at the thought of having to face his world without Cu in it, and it shows.]

[erank]

We've been over this before, yeah? You could come with me.

[beautymark]

No I couldn't! They'd find me. And I don't know what to do without her. She puts the lines between what's real or not...

[erank]

She sounds like she spends all day being a raging bitch, that's what she does.

[beautymark]

Don't insult her! She's never hurt me...

[Physically, anyway. She's done quite a number on him psychologically, but comparing it to his Master it seems like nothing to him.]

[erank]

She can be a bitch without hurting you, you know.

[beautymark]

Don't say that!

[She is, after all, the one thing "stable" in his life. She really does tell him what is and isn't real, and he's terrified at the thought of losing that.

He doesn't really think about what he's doing. It's just unconscious reflex to jam one of his knives into Cu's thigh.]

[erank]

[YEAH THAT'S NOT...NOT A GOOD THING. Doubling over and screaming right about now]

[beautymark]

[That's a loud noise.

Normally screams are okay! When he gets into the groove of killing people he even enjoys them. But sudden loud noises are always terrifying, so even at the best of times it's a careful manic balance between fear and bloodlust.

Right now he's just upset and unstable, and suddenly recoils. In a moment he's across the room, cowering in the corner as if he's the one injured.]

Oh no...

[erank]

Oh no is fucking right.

[He gives the knife a good, long stare as he tries to decide whether to pull it out or not...]

[beautymark]

[He can't think of anything to say. He's hallucinating so many things that keep morphing and changing that he has no idea how to process them. There's shrieking in his head telling him to die, telling him to kill, telling him to hate and love and cut and cling and it all adds up to something overwhelming.

He's terrified, and normally he'd down it in indulgent violence. If he does what the voices tell him to, they quiet down. But at the core of him he knows he doesn't want Cu to die, so instead he struggles. And then of course struggling hurts, so he's quickly spiraling into hysterics all by himself.]

[erank]

[On a better day, Cu would be able to remind himself that Diarmuid is crazy, that he doesn't mean it, that he can't control himself, but Cu is fed up, and the last thing he wanted was to be stabbed again. And he's not handling it particularly well]

Oh come on, you knew that would happen. I don't like being stabbed, you know? Do you even know how much it fucking hurts?

[beautymark]

[Nope.

He can't listen to Cu and deal with everything else at once. It hurts and it's confusing and he's a mass of fear and the sensation of being lost. All he knows how to do is shake his head and clamp his hands over his ears.]

[erank]

Hey, could you calm down and listen for once?!

[beautymark]

[no not really!

but he'll try, at least, taking a few huge deep breaths before sucking in his tears and shakily removing his hands from his ears.]

...I'm listening...

[erank]

[He tenses, finally deciding to yank the knife out. He takes off his shirt, balls it up, and hisses as he yanks the knife out and presses the cloth to his thigh. The knife is dropped next to him, within reach, and it takes Cu a moment to collect himself before finally speaking]

I know it's not your fault. But you need to stop this shit, okay? I--

I want to help you, okay? I wish I could. I wish you'd fucking let me instead of stabbing me.

[beautymark]

You keep saying things that make the world break. You don't get it...

[He'd like to be helped, he really would. He's just so terrified of everything that the vast risks and changes he'd have to make to get to a better place are scarier than the hell he's familiar with. He wishes he could communicate that properly, but when he tries everything in his head descends into chaos.]

[erank]

I don't get it, because nothing's broken yet! You said it yourself, right? You didn't want this--

[He bites his lip, because realizing how broken Diarmuid's become and seeing his conflicted expression besides Cu's mental image of the cheerful person he once was hurts.]

The you I used to know...I know you wouldn't want this.

[beautymark]

I didn't. But it's that person's fault, isn't it? That "me" couldn't take it, so-- so he went to bits. You act like if I ran away I'd be that person again, but I can't. I can't go backwards. You can't get your friend back and it's not fair to act like you can!

[erank]

Yeah, what so wrong about that? Maybe it wouldn't be the same, but you could stick with me and not have to run around killing people because some fucker told you to. I don't see the raw deal here, Diarmuid.

[beautymark]

It's not that simple. I can't just leave. I don't even know how to exist any way but this!

[He's frustrated, and it's starting to show as irritation again. His mood is as always volatile.]

But I shouldn't have expected you to understand that. You've always thought it was easy to run away.

[erank]

It is easy! You just pack up and go. If things would be better like that, then I don't see the problem

[beautymark]

Just like how easily you packed up and left me? Were things "better like that"? Were you happy?

[erank]

Well yeah, but it wasn't because you were gone. I already told you that.

[beautymark]

If you can say that, you'll never get it. You don't really care about anything. You just do whatever suits you, because you're shallow and stupid. I'm broken and I can still see that.