I've been eating fine. You aren't my mother, Tsuyukusa.
[And there's the same old brat, bristling at being scolded. It isn't a power issue anymore, though, honestly. It's guilt, because he knows very well what he's doing to himself, and he knows it isn't smart. But the fact is that the root of his efforts to try to change may be the desire to value people and have value to people, but the root of that is that he's lost all sense of the value of the person he was, or even the person he is now. He desperately wants to be someone that other people -- Tsuyukusa especially -- can care about, because until and unless they do he doesn't care about himself anymore.
In his head, everything that's gone wrong is his own fault. And really, it is. But he's hardly an adult, and realising how much and how many people he managed to fuck up in just eighteen years (nineteen by now, probably) has, in short, shattered his self-esteem. He isn't eating -- because he just thinks about who can't anymore. He isn't watching his health, and hes throwing himself headlong into fights so that he gets injured ten times more than he used to, because doing otherwise is more effort than he's worth. And he feels guilty even for that, because he knows Watanabe would be crushed to see him existing this way, but he can't bring himself to stop.
He really has learned to cherish his world and the people in it. He's just forgotten how to cherish himself, and that pain is pretty evident in his face and voice right now.]
no subject
[And there's the same old brat, bristling at being scolded. It isn't a power issue anymore, though, honestly. It's guilt, because he knows very well what he's doing to himself, and he knows it isn't smart. But the fact is that the root of his efforts to try to change may be the desire to value people and have value to people, but the root of that is that he's lost all sense of the value of the person he was, or even the person he is now. He desperately wants to be someone that other people -- Tsuyukusa especially -- can care about, because until and unless they do he doesn't care about himself anymore.
In his head, everything that's gone wrong is his own fault. And really, it is. But he's hardly an adult, and realising how much and how many people he managed to fuck up in just eighteen years (nineteen by now, probably) has, in short, shattered his self-esteem. He isn't eating -- because he just thinks about who can't anymore. He isn't watching his health, and hes throwing himself headlong into fights so that he gets injured ten times more than he used to, because doing otherwise is more effort than he's worth. And he feels guilty even for that, because he knows Watanabe would be crushed to see him existing this way, but he can't bring himself to stop.
He really has learned to cherish his world and the people in it. He's just forgotten how to cherish himself, and that pain is pretty evident in his face and voice right now.]