[It's not possible, he wants to say. What's broken is broken. The important people he's hurt can't be healed. There's too much lost that can't ever be regained, so the burden he's carrying can't ever be lifted. Asking him to keep living, knowing that, is just asking him to keep feeling the same pain, until he's learned to lie through even the worst of it.
It's cruel. But maybe that's fair. Maybe dying is a cheat. Maybe he deserves to suffer, as punishment. Maybe that's what Mikado's going for? The actual things he's saying just don't sink in -- because it's impossible. To stop wanting to die -- to want something like a future again -- that's just unimaginable to him in his current state of mind.]
...Ah, no... I get it. It's supposed to hurt, isn't it? I'm just supposed to stay by you so you can be sure--
[The sickness hits him right then, slamming him with a physical pain to match the emotional ache already in his chest. He doubles over, thankful for the second futon already lined up next to Mikado's to cushion his knees when he leans all his weight on them. He takes a heaving breath, trying to steady himself and look a little less pathetic as the fit pushes him the rest of the way back into tears.]
...If I hurt enough, will it... make up for everything? How long-- [a pause, to cry out at the second shock] How long do you wanna torture me before you let me go?
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[It's not possible, he wants to say. What's broken is broken. The important people he's hurt can't be healed. There's too much lost that can't ever be regained, so the burden he's carrying can't ever be lifted. Asking him to keep living, knowing that, is just asking him to keep feeling the same pain, until he's learned to lie through even the worst of it.
It's cruel. But maybe that's fair. Maybe dying is a cheat. Maybe he deserves to suffer, as punishment. Maybe that's what Mikado's going for? The actual things he's saying just don't sink in -- because it's impossible. To stop wanting to die -- to want something like a future again -- that's just unimaginable to him in his current state of mind.]
...Ah, no... I get it. It's supposed to hurt, isn't it? I'm just supposed to stay by you so you can be sure--
[The sickness hits him right then, slamming him with a physical pain to match the emotional ache already in his chest. He doubles over, thankful for the second futon already lined up next to Mikado's to cushion his knees when he leans all his weight on them. He takes a heaving breath, trying to steady himself and look a little less pathetic as the fit pushes him the rest of the way back into tears.]
...If I hurt enough, will it... make up for everything? How long-- [a pause, to cry out at the second shock] How long do you wanna torture me before you let me go?